“Meets (not exceeds) expectations.”- me

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Spoiler-free. You’re welcome, world.

The world has been waiting 10 years for this moment. The Russo brothers (also directed Captain America: Civil War) worked with familiar territory in pacing this movie. With a lot of ground to cover, and so many characters to continue developing throughout Part 1, the editing was not offensive at all. Infinity War files through characters fairly evenly, not lingering too long or too short on anyone to make it feel choppy. This movie also goes against much of the typical Marvel movie structure in terms of scene and character development, which was refreshing. I’m not saying the Marvel universe is getting tiresome, but I am saying this could be Marvel pinnacle before we notice a gradual downward trend.

In clarifying, this is not the best Marvel movie. Without spoiling, some scenes occur in Infinity War that seem like they can always be reversed, creating an almost illusive quality of some of the detrimental and impacting moments. We’ll wait until Part 2 next summer, I suppose. Regardless, the action is great. It meets our expected standards in coming this far. It’s not pretentious. It delivers the action, drama, and laughter appropriately. Most interestingly is the journey we experience with Thanos; the directors allow us to experience many scenes with him in letting us see even his weakest moments, making him vulnerable and oddly likable. I’m not saying I have a crush on him because that would be weird. Silly, even.

B+

 

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American Idol’s Top 10 for 2018 (and forever)

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And I say that with fire in my eyes. THIS SHOW NEEDS TO BURN TO THE GROUND. And I say that with confidence because I can assure you that the one who is the only contestant worthy of winning will not win. Let’s be candid: the audience that votes (probably still white girls with a mean age of 11) has hand picked, literally, a white guy (usually with a guitar) for seasons 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, and 15. And I’m telling you now- if one of those white guys in the above photo wins, I’ve lost any hope for America I somehow once had.

I’ll also chime in with the fact that Lionel Richie, Katy Perry, and Luke Bryan are showcasing their ignorance with today’s music industry. Luke Bryan: you acting like a stereotype of a southern hick is everything but adorable. Lionel Richie: hello? Is it 1981? Stop talking about the Commodores; you don’t even care about them. Katy Perry: bitch I try to like you, but your last album was forgettable trash that doesn’t even deserve to be set on fire. You all three are morons for sending some of the most talented contestants home prior to the Top 24, Top 14, and now Top 10. I’ll quickly pour some out for my homies:

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Lee Vasi (did not get into the Top 24): you caught my eyes and ears instantly. You have star appeal. You were my world for a week.

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Amelia Hammer Harris (did not get into the Top 14): genuinely one of a kind voice with a unique style that American pop needs. Idiots, America. IDIOTS.

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Mara Justine (did not get into the Top 10): this beautiful 15 year old bitch has a voice so incredible for her age. And yet our expert panel of deep dish dumb fucks voted for other contestants to move forward into the Top 10. Observe, through the viewing globe, as I rank these assholes based off of Sunday’s and Monday’s performances.

10. Michelle Sussett (Judge’s Choice)– Let’s not forgot this bitch twerked during a performance. Waitress, you vocals are like speeding a record- unpleasant and unnecessary. Your judges-proclaimed “pocket Ace” is that you can sing in Spanish, and so you sings most songs as bilingual. It’s not needed. It’s like playing a piano for every performance, or wearing the same dress for every performance. They are going to destroy your “career” (for lack of a better term for getting kicked off Idol and turning to prostitution) with their “sage” advice.

9. Caleb Lee Hutchinson– I’m glad you lost weight. But this isn’t Biggest Loser, although JESUS LORD is it appropriate?! Scotty McCrerry already won; we don’t need another white kid that can “sing” in a creepy deep voice.

8. Gabby Barrett– You look like every girl that works at Twin Peaks. You sound like every girl that looks like she could sing that works at Twin Peaks. I don’t know what ABC wants us to think, but compare her again, in any way, shape, or form, to Carrie Underwood, and we’ll have a legal issue on our hands. Points for being able to hold a note, I guess.

7. Dennis Lorenzo (Judge’s Choice)– I’ll admit: you’re one of the more okay singers in the Top 10, but sadly that’s saying very little due to the piss poor selection, courtesy of America’s votes and the judges’ four choices. The dull look and appeal won’t help you move advance much.

6. Michael Woodard– I don’t get it. I don’t see it. The judges treat you like you’re Jesus. To me, you simply are like a shape of Chris Brown with the voice of Chris Tucker. Points for being quirky, if I was being paid to be generous.

5. Cade Foehner– Sure, you sound like a talented version of Creed’s lead singer, but the downside is….it’s Creed. You’re good on a guitar, but I got enough of that from the other past “winners” of Idol history. Snooze.

4. Jurnee – You got the look and the name. Your voice is good, but not noteworthy.

3. Ada Vox (Judge’s Choice)– While I’m uncomfortable with drag queens in general because they can be very shtick, you can truly sing. You held your own against fucking Lea Michele in a duet. I’d be shocked if you made it through the next few weeks because the USofA is very MAGA!

2. Maddie Poppe– Cute name. Cute look. Cute style. You’re just cute! Your voice is so pleasant and effortless. Your version of “Walk Like an Egyptian” though!!!!

1. Catie Turner– I know. I know! But she is a genius vocalist. She’s quirky, not arrogant, refreshing, and just incredible. She will teach us that talent isn’t truly on the outside, despite how these idiot kids vote.

In closing, and to be clear, I truly only like my top 3 picks. The rest are expandable. Do what you want with them. Take them out back and shoot’em. Kidding. Gun jokes aren’t funny yet. This season is piss-poor with talent, sadly. I blame the judges 85% and America the 15% for now. All-time low ratings for this season would surprise me if we even get to make it to the finale.

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Sexy, funny, probably smart, and let’s add “damn good director” to the list. No, folks, I’m not talking about myself. John Krasinski directs A Quiet Place stunningly.  His use of silence is an absolute killer when it comes to suspense.  Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 95%; Metacritic averages it an 82 (Black Panther got an 88, so). This tells you what you need to know. A Quiet Place gently puts itself into this redefining-horror genre where emotion is added to the pot, much like It did very well.

Much of the movie is in captions with the use of sign language; I can’t think of a movie where fewer spoken words were used, making the movie even more unique. His real life wife (heart eyes emoji) Emily Blunt is simply wonderful in this movie. And add Millicent Simmonds and Noah Jupe to the “gonna do big things in the future” list as they go beyond the dreaded “child actors” realm and show great use of emotion. I won’t give away plot details because I don’t want to ruin anything. But please let me say I enjoy horror more than most, and this movie quickly made my favorites with ease. I saw this movie twice in theaters. I haven’t seen a movie twice in theaters since The Ring, ass hats.

A+

*bows at Steven Spielberg’s feet*

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I read Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One novel in 2011 and it easily became one of my favorite books. VR wasn’t even commercially available back then; this novel paved a literary path for such a concept. Steven Spielberg directing this movie instantly made me moist! He hasn’t directed a fun summerish hit in a decade #LongOverdue . And so he seemingly piles some great action scenes into this movie. While I will admit there is genuinely so much action and things to notice that it can be overwhelming, I can’t be upset. It’s like complaining about too much food at a buffet or too much gratification from watching Taylor Swift get punched “too many times”. Reading the book prior definitely gives you a leg up- this movies presses on pretty fast into the concepts of the virtual reality world that makes up the movie.

The actors are fine in this movie- nothing particularly noteworthy. Look forward to seeing Ready Player One has a summer blockbuster released in the spring time with some jaw-dropping action sequences (that car race scene thooooo), delightful CGI where it is warranted, and some well-placed humor. As a brief aside to close, I’d muster a guess that it’s not making as much money as it could because it’s aiming at a fairly specific audience- one that enjoys action/sci-fi and misses the 80s. The soundtrack and musical score are total throwbacks. I particularly enjoyed how much of the movie’s “technology” and style look both futuristic and 80s vibes-friendly. God bless Steven.

A-

She needs to just keep pouring milk all over herself instead.

Fergie can do a lot of things. She can make fun pop music. She can look sexy in heels for being …oh nevermind- she’s only 42. Why did I think she was in her 50s? Okay, well she can still make milk fun in her “M.I.L.F $” video from last year.

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Aside from the fact that America’s Sweetwhore™ was in the video, teaching millions of females all about appropriate body image and shitty names for your children 🙆, this song and video were fun.

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This was a single from her album Double Dutchess which managed to stay in the Top 100 for only one week. So what happened to our Fergie, the girl who taught us about how “Glamourous” her “London Bridge” in a world where “Big Girls Don’t Cry” no matter how “Fergalicious” one may be back in 2006? (That took me seconds to think of💅). I’m guessing the awkward promoting of this album for two years. Literally. The album’s first single came out in 2014. And then she released video teasers over the course of 2015 to still promote it. I’m guessing people just forgot and moved on after a while. Or at least I did. 👋

But this isn’t about bashing Fergie. Okay, so it is a little bit. Mostly because my fiance bashed Carrie Underwood in saying Fergie’s ability to hold a note exceeded that of my homie Carrie Underwood.

I’ve seen Carrie Underwood perform live five times and can vouch for her. And she’s perfect, so there’s that. 💁

So let’s get to the meat and potatoes. Or, in this case, Spam and Crystal Light in a mug. Fergie done fucked up in performing the national anthem on February 18, 2018 for the NBA All-Star game (that will hopefully be the straightest thing I say all month). Check the video. It’s a 14-car pileup witnessing a 200+ passenger train wreck. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone except Taylor Swift. Today, Fergie admitted she tried her best and even added the she is a “risk taker artistically,” which includes covering yourself in milk with Kim Kardashian. I’m not bitter; I’m better. *housewife swirl* 💃

Neftlix and chill with me, m’am

Netflix has been fast attempting to up their game with their original movies. I’m usually reluctant to watch these original releases because, as with most bowl punches at parties, you never know if it’s going to be a hit or a miss- and by miss, I mean finding yourself in a puddle of your own filth in the bathroom eight hours later. By history and experience, movies that aren’t released in theaters (and instead go straight to DVD or VOD). Power Rangers, observe through the viewing globe as we discuss Netflix’s The Open House, The Cloverfield Paradox, and The Ritual. 

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First time and young as hell director Matt Angel does some cool and unique sensory experiences with the camera. He plays with the darkness in latter portions of the film fairly well; and he ties in (to a fault) a lot of foreshadowing (as with the contacts scene, for example). The movie builds up suspense nicely, I have no problem here. The Open House got rained on on Rotten Tomatoes. And while I think that website is over-hyped, usually off the mark, and a stupid name, I’m guessing it get knocks for the lack of characterization.  Fair.

The adorable Dylan Minette (13 Reasons Why; Don’t Breathe) has such potential- I’ve said this since he was in season 6 of Lost. But his story with his mother just wasn’t working. And as we move through this movie, things fall flat. I didn’t mind the ending, but I could have done without the final scene before the cut-to-black, which is another problem some will point out about the director as he all to often points things out for the audience. Not the worse by any stretch for a Netflix horror/suspense, but not the best.

C+

 

 

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Do whatever you want with piss, but don’t piss all over my new shoes and tell me you drank mostly water. Yes, Netflix, you surprised us during the Super Bowl about the fact this movie is real and then surprised us again in saying we could watch after the game was over. The biggest surprise was the piss poor “connection” this movie had to my third favorite movie of all time (DEAL WITH IT) Cloverfield.   **Spoilers ahead**

Aside from this movie talking about a book with the word “Cloverfield” in it through out, no one or their mother would have guessed this movie was associated. It felt like the director made this movie to get it out his system and then said, “Wait, I liked Cloverfield. Let’s waste time and money on reshoots and then make it end this way.” Now, I love sci-fi. I love opening up new dimensions so we have walls eating people and crawling arms writing us cryptic messages with pen and paper. But don’t make this a (what’s supposed to be) a prequel to the Cloverfield world and then shit out the excuse that we have multiverses to where, genuinely, anything can be turned into a Cloverfield movie. Not now. Not during these hard times

Also, I can’t watch this movie and act like Life (sci-fi movie from last year) doesn’t exist when The Cloverfield Paradox felt like a replica of Life. But at least with Life we had something tangible to fear through out as the alien wreaked havoc in the spaceship. Thank Jesus Paradox didn’t go to theaters; I would have been upset enough to write a strongly worded letter.

D+

 

 

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David Bruckner (who is known for the V/H/S movie from 2012 that wasn’t great but you make the Obama not-bad face after it’s over) surprised me. He gives you some beautiful use of silence in some of the woodsy scenes that creates ridiculous suspense. The use of slow camera zooms sprinkled through out the movie have you looking to see what’s beyond the woods. It’s pretty fucking great. Sure, this movie follows some familiar tracks of The Blair Witch Project; however, The Ritual does some nice character development to where you feel for the characters instead of wishing them dead or wanting to wipe their noses with all that snot.  There’s a psychological tie-in which get a little heavy-handed but not overdone like my steak. I won’t give anything away here because, unlike The Cloverfield Paradox, this movie doesn’t deserve to have it’s story ruined; but there’s more to this movie than just some thing in the woods. *golf clap*

B

“Tom Tom Tom what is happening to [you]…”-Bubbalicious, Redbox review

This was supposed to be the start up for Universal’s “Dark Universe” world, which seems to have more promise than this movie could hope for. We can anticipate to be hopeful for more from this universe, including Bride of Frankenstein (with the monster played by Javier Bardem and directed by Beauty and the Beast‘s Bill Condo in 2019. The Invisible Man (Johnny Depp), and The Creature from the Black Lagoon (rumor has it Scarlett Johannson). Meanwhile, we have to initially greet the first installment, the ugly stepson with bad hair and jagged teeth, of the universe. 

The Mummy attempted to do things right with its summer release, using Tom Cruise, and some fun action. It turned out to be a bad pairing with Cruise and Annabelle Wallis (from Annabelle 😎) with zero chemistry. And poor Tom, try as he may, just didn’t work here. The movie tried at comedic bits which didn’t seem to flow right. It’s action scenes, while fun, offered nothing new or memorable by the end.

Director Alex Kurtzman (whose only directing experience comes from 2012’s dramedy People Like Us) seemed to try his darndest. The zombie-like reanimated corpses and the trailer-famous plane crash were cool to watch. But bringing anything around with mummies may have still been too soon, even with 2008’s third Brendan Fraser/Mummy being not at the 20 year mark. And while Sofia Boutella did fair as this mummy, she ended up just looking like a hot pale woman waltzing around London half naked, which, to some, may be rewarding, but there’s porn for that. This movie put buckets of cash into its special effects; it could have used a CGI mummy look creepier before sucking all the life out of the living and, ultimately, this movie. 🥁🥁🥁

A critic from Arizona Republic sums it up brilliantly: “The Mummy winds up being not much its own movie as what, by the end, feels like the first episode of a show that’s already been renewed for several seasons.” 👏 get👏it 👏 gurlll

C