“Just pretend 1999 didn’t occur and you’ll be satisfied.”- me

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So the team behind this movie was crafty in promoting it. Just over a month ago, they rolled out a limited teaser and called it The Woods. And then they pulled the curtains back to inform us that this was, in fact, the next Blair Witch installment. The trend to bring back fantastic movies from two decades continues.  It can be a hit (good morning, Jurassic World) or a miss (tell ya’ mom I said “hey,” Independence Day: Resurgence). The sad reveal is that this, too, is a miss. Let me shower you with reasons why this is actually a good horror flick, though!

If you imagine Blair Witch Project was never created, this movie is top-shelf.  It paces very well, and carries a sense of dread- making you wonder just what all the fuss is about regarding this alleged witch.  The sound effects they use are remarkable, leaving the imagination to truly wonder wtf that noize izzzz!  Quality of film has become technically enhanced in this day and age, so we say goodbye to grainy screens- wondering if something was a shadow or a tree- and ahoy! to being able to see a bit beyond the flashlights and even above and beyond (literally- eye roll emoji) with the help of a drone.

*Spoilers ahead!*


The buildup has not been worth it in a while with horror movies. But the last 25 minutes made this movie great for me.  They show the witch the perfect length of time without overdoing it (a la Mama) and making the movie still scary if you re-watch it. Her appearance makes sense, given her history of being hanged and weighed down with rocks as the stories say. I. LOVE. IT! Also, this movie introduced new powers and realms of the witch with time warps.  It seems silly, but in retrospect, this adds more logistics to the concept of the movie concerning the house not being found, losing their way in the woods, and control of day and night.


*Spoilers be gone now.*

The pitfalls of this movie seemingly outweigh the positives, however. Yes, the pace of the movie is great, but it replicated the original movie. This leads anyone who saw the first movie down the path of knowing exactly what to expect.  In terms of originality, then, Blair Witch comes out empty-pocketed. Additionally, characterization, while still just a horror movie, is tossed aside and forces us to ultimately not care what happens to them. The plot and drive of Blair Witch is forced when it didn’t have to be. The main character finds a Youtube video of found footage in the woods that he thinks might be his sister from the first installment….. right?? Let that simmer. So, almost two decades later, he wants to go look for her because he feels she may still be alive…decades later….in the woods….alone….naked…(wishful thinking). I’m just saying, they could have made this movie take place months later after the original, but noooooooooOOOOooOOoO, THEY HAD TO USE A DRONE!


“Trophy emoji.”- me

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Color me impressed, because this movie knocked my socks off and even offered me a cigarette afterwards.  I’m not a hardcore fan of much of Jon Favreau’s movies (Iron Man 1-3, Elf, Cowboys & Aliens).   I say that because typically his movies are visually stunning but leave me wanting more in every other aspect of the movie.  The Jungle Book is not the case. This movie did everything right, and then some.   Its visuals alone are so great that I feel I’ve never seen anything like it thus far; CGI animals are hard to pull off, but the realism is beyond impressive.

The voices, on the whole, are stellar.  Bill Murray kills it as Baloo. Ben Kinglsey, as always, is spot-on with Bagheera, the panther.  Idris Elba (emoji with heart eyes) nails it as the nemesis, Shere Khan, the tiger.  Chrisopher Walken as King Louie had me question the casting initially, but the man did a really nice job.  My sole problem with this movie was Kaa’s voice.  With Scarlett Johansson as the voice, it was painful to listen to because she’s known for her bosoms, body, and heroine attributes- not her voice. It was difficult to picture a snake when she talked; all I could hear was the Avengers’ Black Widow. But let’s pay special attention to Neel Sithi as Mowgli.  This kid, with his first full-length feature, was probably talking to Styrofoam heads or sticks that served as the CGI animals, but he delivers some rich emotion and makes you believe.

The pacing through out the movie is timed nicely as we are lead to and  from major characters.  Original songs from the animated version of the movie are revisited and performed playfully without seeming forced.  This movie brings in some dark territory regarding death and man versus animal while still keeping it light for the kiddies.  And even though, yes, I’m obsessed with action, The Jungle Book gives us action scenes without them becoming overbearing or taking away from the emotion of the movie.


The BMA’s featuring Rihanna

Some highlights in case you missed the VMA’s by intentionally turning the tv off:

Image result for dj khaled shirtlessThe sensationally mind-blowing DJ Khaled hosted the preshow, better known as “Performances by Youtube Artists Bonanza” or “Watch This Hour of TV to Feel Old.”  But I’m lying if I say DJ Khaled doesn’t mesmerize me. He captivates me with every word. The second they make a pull-string doll of him with his famous outlandish catch phrases is the moment I’ll be truly happy in life. Congratulations, you played yourself. ANOTHER ONE.

Image result for rihanna opening vmas 2016Rihanna opened with a medley of hits. She received the Vanguard award at the show’s end, so MTV made her perform 4 times to really earn it. She wore (what would be weird outfits if Lady Gaga never existed) mud flaps on her ass, so there’s that. Her singing was awkward at times with some notes, but the bitch got down, so who am I to get upset?


Image result for sean combs vmas 2016Diddy/ Dirty Money/ Puff Daddy/ Sean Combs presented one of…what….four awards (?) for he whole show. Yes, the threw it East with the kimono. But when you realize the man is 46 and has not aged since you ever heard about him, it makes you consider wearing a kimono to see if it has age-defying properties. Also: stop the name changes, Sean P Diddy Dirty Money Daddy Combs.
Image result for ARIANA GRANDE VMAS 2016Giving us another reason to say “Look what we looked like back then!” 20 years from now, Ariana Grande performed with Nicki Minaj in what could be mistaken for an opening sequence to gay porn. Making us relive Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” video and maybe even question our sexual identity, Ariana did a daring job in heels that could cripple a middle-aged woman. Her voice was immaculate, per usual.
Image result for nick cannon VMAS 2016Just a quick aside and reason #82 I think Nick Cannon is a talentless piece of shit that deserves no fame or success.
Image result for VMAS 2016 alicia keysAlicia Keys DM’ed some spoken art stuff about war while presenting. I love that she’s doing the whole “no makeup, no problem” thing because she’s actually very pretty AND reminds me that Kim Kardashian is worthless in yet another way. I just wish Alicia did something with her hair to make it seem as if she did bathe occasionally.


Image result for future VMAS 2016Future, who I never really listened to because English is my primary language, did a charming performance of the classic “Fuck Up Some Commas,” a delightful phrase that can be summarized by urbandictionary.com as “spend[ing] an obscene amount of money,” in case you aren’t hip. I didn’t understand a word but the beat and the backup dancers/ hypers psyched me up!


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Kanye West was given 4 minutes to say whatever he wants. And I hate that that’s even a sentence, but the MTV producers were thirsty. He muttered some shit about nothing, used “like” about 18 times and even threw in a handful of “bro” and BROOOOOOOOO” for good measure, before forcing us to watch his new music video premiere for “Fade,” an updated Flashdance scene that was soaked in porn for 3 days and hung up to dry. It was just pure raunchiness before ending with a mild sex shower scene in which the girl looks like a cat while on top of a hot guy, has a baby, and is surrounded by farm animals. I wish I was hallucinating this.


Image result for VMAS 2016 nick jonas bulgeNick Jonas did a fair job performing about bacon and parading his bulge around to let the public know that he tucks left.


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BeyoncĂŠ did a Super Bowl Halftime performance to remind us that she is God, as well as to give the gays something to blog about the next day. I mean, what more can be said? She performed most of her Lemonade album, killed it, and ruined everything for performers who followed her act. I’m bitter, obv.


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Yes, MTV made Britney Spears perform RIGHT AFTER. They threw her under the BeyoncĂŠ Bus. She gave us what we’d expect: lipsyncing, harmless fun, sass, by-the-number choreo. And we’re ok with that. We had been praying for his since 2007 after she shaved her head. But when you do that after a big ass production that is BeyoncĂŠ, it ends up looking pitiful and helpless. But please consider that fact that she’s looking great again, dropped a killer album, and is back in the game. I feel for her the way I did in 1999. I can’t say that about Mariah.

Overall VMA’s: C+

“If MTV gives it glowing reviews, expect to enjoy it if you’re 19 years old.”- me

This movie had some good things going for itself. The good includes its fantastic lineup of actors’ and actresses’ voices. As with any Seth Rogen concept, it’s accompanied by the regulars: Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd, James Franco, etc., but a nice, lengthy list nonetheless. Another pro (and particular favorite of mine) is the creativity of the movie’s major synopsis. What the characters see compared to how humans perceive it is done hilariously.  Without giving anything away aside from the trailers’ reveal, I enjoyed myself heartily when the food was getting diced or eaten. And I’m pretty macabre.

When you think about it, Sausage Party came with a lot of potential. In this world that the movie creates, it stayed a pretty narrow coarse.  It maintained the sense of humor the 18-22 age range will eat up (*snare drum sound*), but beyond the outlandish death scenes, it just entertains sex and drugs….go figure. And don’t get me wrong, the sex scene was outrageous and funny. But Rogen always feels the need to rely on drugs to make a story funny when it’s already funny on its own.


“…Suicide Squad is the **** of the **** They need to burn it down…”- user review from Metacritic.com -_-

A little dramatic but okay lolz. I will say in a world dominated by superhero movies getting shoved down our gullets, this one was refreshing. It had some cute -if not forced- edge to it, and contained some enjoyable comic book vibes.  The introductions of the cast are thrown at us pretty quickly, to the point to where you kind of want to just give up on recalling who is who and just remember the key characters that we’re “supposed” to know- eye roll- with Harley Quinn and the Joker. Now, hear me out when I report I enjoyed this movie over all. However, I felt like I was watching a movie within a movie re: the love connection with the Joker and Harley Quinn.  Jared Leto and Margot Robbie did great jobs; America seems to be getting moist panties a little too much for me, but for what they portrayed, I was satisfied.  It just seemed as if their relationship was an excuse to put a revived characterization of the Joker for a potential excuse for a Joker movie spinoff later down the line.

The plot of this movie seemed pretty constricted when there was more potential.  The action was fairly consistent and well-paced, but the fight scenes for me were too jumbled, haphazard, and riddled with smoke and mirrors for me to really enjoy it.  Pardon the necessary comparison to a Marvel film, but movies like The Avengers and Captain America: Civil War seem to offer fight scenes were the action is clear and calculated to where it is more appreciated. In this DC movie, though, the camera seems for too zoomed in, and the lens seems to be darkened or too hazy. I’m being a naggy bitch, but if you’re going to give me action, let me see it, assholes.


“She’s behind the door. Watch….see?! What did I say?”- idiot bitch next to me the whole time in the theater, sucking her fingers every time she ate a piece of popcorn, which was somehow the entire duration of the movie.

I’ll watch nearly any horror movie, aside from Tyler Perry features. However, when it comes to me being satisfied, it can be a different story.  Biased or not, I’d been wanting to see Lights Out all year long after I saw the short this movie was based on.  As far as plot and characters, this movie is pretty typical.  If you ever saw Darkness Falls (2003), you’d say this movie is fairly similar in that the scary monster thing can’t kill folks in the light. Teresa Palmer (a pretty version of Kristen Stewart that has life in her face) does a modest job of being afraid of the dark. She does well so as to not make you watch her character and hope she dies. Likewise, Maria Bello is the “crazy” mom; I’ll avoid the mental health soap box, but she does what she can with her character having bipolar (please note I’m rolling my eyes here at the diagnosis).

Now, this movie delivers some great and unique scares given that it only relies on one entity that requires nothing major with special effects.  The jumps are provided time and time again. And with a short 80+ minute time, no effort is wasted in giving us boring background stories or humdrum nonsense.  Directed by a guy that has only directed shorts previously, this movie does enough to impress horror fans while leaving a possible impression on us to, in time, have his name recognized one day much like James Wan, who has his hand in every horror movie out there in the last several years and including, of course, this one.  The end has a poorly executed but still relevant twist that will probably (but not hopefully) lead to a sequel, be it in theaters, VOD, or Netflix, no doubt.  Overall, for a PG-13 movie, I was a bit more impressed that I thought I would be going into this movie, and I had somewhat high expectations.



“Original, fun, and dynamic: the opposite of its predecessor.”- me, with my ID4 flag and cap, and a bucket of popcorn in my lap while I wear a frown

WHY!? The original gave us a unique (for its time) story, cutting-edge (for its time) special effects, and provided us with a satisfying ending that did not need a sequel. So, what…..20 years later and some writers pen together a script: “So, the aliens wait 20 years because it’s been 20 years. And maybe…..20 years of Earth preparing…..20 years…..20 years. 20. Two zero.” We get it. Good Jesus.  And I blame the writers for this, not the director, Roland Emmerich. Now don’t be mistaken, this director is known for his disaster movies that lack in characterization, but they’re still fun to watch (Godzilla (1998 version), The Day After Tomorrow, 2012). But none of these movies ever need a sequel.  This was a disaster movie that was a genuine disaster.

I was raised on Independence Day when it came out….20 years ago (eye roll).  So I went into this movie with a hint of bias, low expectations, and IBS.  I came out even less satisfied. The action scenes were so forced, and that was supposed to be the meat of this movie.  The final action scene with the mother alien tramping around like a T-Rex after a school bus in the desert really made me feel like I was watching Jurassic Glactic . Ultimately, the action scenes didn’t seem to last long, yet this movie seemed to drag.  They were good special effects, of course. But it takes a bit more that that. Otherwise, throw this shit onto a 2-night special event on NBC.  You need a decent plot, or you’re just going to smell like a Sharknado movie. The characters in this movie had me rooting for them to get killed. I didn’t understand the point in bringing back Vivica A Fox’s character. And the fact that I was looking forward to this movie being over made me sad because the original was so great. Consider me a child that was sitting on the stoop, waiting for dad to pick him up for the weekend, only to have his kooky uncle to pick him up instead.