Some highlights in case you missed the VMA’s by intentionally turning the tv off:
The sensationally mind-blowing DJ Khaled hosted the preshow, better known as “Performances by Youtube Artists Bonanza” or “Watch This Hour of TV to Feel Old.” But I’m lying if I say DJ Khaled doesn’t mesmerize me. He captivates me with every word. The second they make a pull-string doll of him with his famous outlandish catch phrases is the moment I’ll be truly happy in life. Congratulations, you played yourself. ANOTHER ONE.
Rihanna opened with a medley of hits. She received the Vanguard award at the show’s end, so MTV made her perform 4 times to really earn it. She wore (what would be weird outfits if Lady Gaga never existed) mud flaps on her ass, so there’s that. Her singing was awkward at times with some notes, but the bitch got down, so who am I to get upset?
Diddy/ Dirty Money/ Puff Daddy/ Sean Combs presented one of…what….four awards (?) for he whole show. Yes, the threw it East with the kimono. But when you realize the man is 46 and has not aged since you ever heard about him, it makes you consider wearing a kimono to see if it has age-defying properties. Also: stop the name changes, Sean P Diddy Dirty Money Daddy Combs.
Giving us another reason to say “Look what we looked like back then!” 20 years from now, Ariana Grande performed with Nicki Minaj in what could be mistaken for an opening sequence to gay porn. Making us relive Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” video and maybe even question our sexual identity, Ariana did a daring job in heels that could cripple a middle-aged woman. Her voice was immaculate, per usual.
Just a quick aside and reason #82 I think Nick Cannon is a talentless piece of shit that deserves no fame or success.
Alicia Keys DM’ed some spoken art stuff about war while presenting. I love that she’s doing the whole “no makeup, no problem” thing because she’s actually very pretty AND reminds me that Kim Kardashian is worthless in yet another way. I just wish Alicia did something with her hair to make it seem as if she did bathe occasionally.
Future, who I never really listened to because English is my primary language, did a charming performance of the classic “Fuck Up Some Commas,” a delightful phrase that can be summarized by urbandictionary.com as “spend[ing] an obscene amount of money,” in case you aren’t hip. I didn’t understand a word but the beat and the backup dancers/ hypers psyched me up!
Kanye West was given 4 minutes to say whatever he wants. And I hate that that’s even a sentence, but the MTV producers were thirsty. He muttered some shit about nothing, used “like” about 18 times and even threw in a handful of “bro” and BROOOOOOOOO” for good measure, before forcing us to watch his new music video premiere for “Fade,” an updated Flashdance scene that was soaked in porn for 3 days and hung up to dry. It was just pure raunchiness before ending with a mild sex shower scene in which the girl looks like a cat while on top of a hot guy, has a baby, and is surrounded by farm animals. I wish I was hallucinating this.
Nick Jonas did a fair job performing about bacon and parading his bulge around to let the public know that he tucks left.
Beyoncé did a Super Bowl Halftime performance to remind us that she is God, as well as to give the gays something to blog about the next day. I mean, what more can be said? She performed most of her Lemonade album, killed it, and ruined everything for performers who followed her act. I’m bitter, obv.
Yes, MTV made Britney Spears perform RIGHT AFTER. They threw her under the Beyoncé Bus. She gave us what we’d expect: lipsyncing, harmless fun, sass, by-the-number choreo. And we’re ok with that. We had been praying for his since 2007 after she shaved her head. But when you do that after a big ass production that is Beyoncé, it ends up looking pitiful and helpless. But please consider that fact that she’s looking great again, dropped a killer album, and is back in the game. I feel for her the way I did in 1999. I can’t say that about Mariah.
Overall VMA’s: C+