Image result for a quiet place poster

Sexy, funny, probably smart, and let’s add “damn good director” to the list. No, folks, I’m not talking about myself. John Krasinski directs A Quiet Place stunningly.  His use of silence is an absolute killer when it comes to suspense.  Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 95%; Metacritic averages it an 82 (Black Panther got an 88, so). This tells you what you need to know. A Quiet Place gently puts itself into this redefining-horror genre where emotion is added to the pot, much like It did very well.

Much of the movie is in captions with the use of sign language; I can’t think of a movie where fewer spoken words were used, making the movie even more unique. His real life wife (heart eyes emoji) Emily Blunt is simply wonderful in this movie. And add Millicent Simmonds and Noah Jupe to the “gonna do big things in the future” list as they go beyond the dreaded “child actors” realm and show great use of emotion. I won’t give away plot details because I don’t want to ruin anything. But please let me say I enjoy horror more than most, and this movie quickly made my favorites with ease. I saw this movie twice in theaters. I haven’t seen a movie twice in theaters since The Ring, ass hats.

A+

Advertisements

*bows at Steven Spielberg’s feet*

Ready Player One Movie Poster

I read Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One novel in 2011 and it easily became one of my favorite books. VR wasn’t even commercially available back then; this novel paved a literary path for such a concept. Steven Spielberg directing this movie instantly made me moist! He hasn’t directed a fun summerish hit in a decade #LongOverdue . And so he seemingly piles some great action scenes into this movie. While I will admit there is genuinely so much action and things to notice that it can be overwhelming, I can’t be upset. It’s like complaining about too much food at a buffet or too much gratification from watching Taylor Swift get punched “too many times”. Reading the book prior definitely gives you a leg up- this movies presses on pretty fast into the concepts of the virtual reality world that makes up the movie.

The actors are fine in this movie- nothing particularly noteworthy. Look forward to seeing Ready Player One has a summer blockbuster released in the spring time with some jaw-dropping action sequences (that car race scene thooooo), delightful CGI where it is warranted, and some well-placed humor. As a brief aside to close, I’d muster a guess that it’s not making as much money as it could because it’s aiming at a fairly specific audience- one that enjoys action/sci-fi and misses the 80s. The soundtrack and musical score are total throwbacks. I particularly enjoyed how much of the movie’s “technology” and style look both futuristic and 80s vibes-friendly. God bless Steven.

A-

She needs to just keep pouring milk all over herself instead.

Fergie can do a lot of things. She can make fun pop music. She can look sexy in heels for being …oh nevermind- she’s only 42. Why did I think she was in her 50s? Okay, well she can still make milk fun in her “M.I.L.F $” video from last year.

Image result for fergie's milf video

Aside from the fact that America’s Sweetwhore™ was in the video, teaching millions of females all about appropriate body image and shitty names for your children 🙆, this song and video were fun.

Image result for FERGIE MILF kim

This was a single from her album Double Dutchess which managed to stay in the Top 100 for only one week. So what happened to our Fergie, the girl who taught us about how “Glamourous” her “London Bridge” in a world where “Big Girls Don’t Cry” no matter how “Fergalicious” one may be back in 2006? (That took me seconds to think of💅). I’m guessing the awkward promoting of this album for two years. Literally. The album’s first single came out in 2014. And then she released video teasers over the course of 2015 to still promote it. I’m guessing people just forgot and moved on after a while. Or at least I did. 👋

But this isn’t about bashing Fergie. Okay, so it is a little bit. Mostly because my fiance bashed Carrie Underwood in saying Fergie’s ability to hold a note exceeded that of my homie Carrie Underwood.

I’ve seen Carrie Underwood perform live five times and can vouch for her. And she’s perfect, so there’s that. 💁

So let’s get to the meat and potatoes. Or, in this case, Spam and Crystal Light in a mug. Fergie done fucked up in performing the national anthem on February 18, 2018 for the NBA All-Star game (that will hopefully be the straightest thing I say all month). Check the video. It’s a 14-car pileup witnessing a 200+ passenger train wreck. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone except Taylor Swift. Today, Fergie admitted she tried her best and even added the she is a “risk taker artistically,” which includes covering yourself in milk with Kim Kardashian. I’m not bitter; I’m better. *housewife swirl* 💃

Neftlix and chill with me, m’am

Netflix has been fast attempting to up their game with their original movies. I’m usually reluctant to watch these original releases because, as with most bowl punches at parties, you never know if it’s going to be a hit or a miss- and by miss, I mean finding yourself in a puddle of your own filth in the bathroom eight hours later. By history and experience, movies that aren’t released in theaters (and instead go straight to DVD or VOD). Power Rangers, observe through the viewing globe as we discuss Netflix’s The Open House, The Cloverfield Paradox, and The Ritual. 

Related image

First time and young as hell director Matt Angel does some cool and unique sensory experiences with the camera. He plays with the darkness in latter portions of the film fairly well; and he ties in (to a fault) a lot of foreshadowing (as with the contacts scene, for example). The movie builds up suspense nicely, I have no problem here. The Open House got rained on on Rotten Tomatoes. And while I think that website is over-hyped, usually off the mark, and a stupid name, I’m guessing it get knocks for the lack of characterization.  Fair.

The adorable Dylan Minette (13 Reasons Why; Don’t Breathe) has such potential- I’ve said this since he was in season 6 of Lost. But his story with his mother just wasn’t working. And as we move through this movie, things fall flat. I didn’t mind the ending, but I could have done without the final scene before the cut-to-black, which is another problem some will point out about the director as he all to often points things out for the audience. Not the worse by any stretch for a Netflix horror/suspense, but not the best.

C+

 

 

Image result for cloverfield paradox poster

Do whatever you want with piss, but don’t piss all over my new shoes and tell me you drank mostly water. Yes, Netflix, you surprised us during the Super Bowl about the fact this movie is real and then surprised us again in saying we could watch after the game was over. The biggest surprise was the piss poor “connection” this movie had to my third favorite movie of all time (DEAL WITH IT) Cloverfield.   **Spoilers ahead**

Aside from this movie talking about a book with the word “Cloverfield” in it through out, no one or their mother would have guessed this movie was associated. It felt like the director made this movie to get it out his system and then said, “Wait, I liked Cloverfield. Let’s waste time and money on reshoots and then make it end this way.” Now, I love sci-fi. I love opening up new dimensions so we have walls eating people and crawling arms writing us cryptic messages with pen and paper. But don’t make this a (what’s supposed to be) a prequel to the Cloverfield world and then shit out the excuse that we have multiverses to where, genuinely, anything can be turned into a Cloverfield movie. Not now. Not during these hard times

Also, I can’t watch this movie and act like Life (sci-fi movie from last year) doesn’t exist when The Cloverfield Paradox felt like a replica of Life. But at least with Life we had something tangible to fear through out as the alien wreaked havoc in the spaceship. Thank Jesus Paradox didn’t go to theaters; I would have been upset enough to write a strongly worded letter.

D+

 

 

Image result for the ritual poster

David Bruckner (who is known for the V/H/S movie from 2012 that wasn’t great but you make the Obama not-bad face after it’s over) surprised me. He gives you some beautiful use of silence in some of the woodsy scenes that creates ridiculous suspense. The use of slow camera zooms sprinkled through out the movie have you looking to see what’s beyond the woods. It’s pretty fucking great. Sure, this movie follows some familiar tracks of The Blair Witch Project; however, The Ritual does some nice character development to where you feel for the characters instead of wishing them dead or wanting to wipe their noses with all that snot.  There’s a psychological tie-in which get a little heavy-handed but not overdone like my steak. I won’t give anything away here because, unlike The Cloverfield Paradox, this movie doesn’t deserve to have it’s story ruined; but there’s more to this movie than just some thing in the woods. *golf clap*

B

“Tom Tom Tom what is happening to [you]…”-Bubbalicious, Redbox review

This was supposed to be the start up for Universal’s “Dark Universe” world, which seems to have more promise than this movie could hope for. We can anticipate to be hopeful for more from this universe, including Bride of Frankenstein (with the monster played by Javier Bardem and directed by Beauty and the Beast‘s Bill Condo in 2019. The Invisible Man (Johnny Depp), and The Creature from the Black Lagoon (rumor has it Scarlett Johannson). Meanwhile, we have to initially greet the first installment, the ugly stepson with bad hair and jagged teeth, of the universe. 

The Mummy attempted to do things right with its summer release, using Tom Cruise, and some fun action. It turned out to be a bad pairing with Cruise and Annabelle Wallis (from Annabelle 😎) with zero chemistry. And poor Tom, try as he may, just didn’t work here. The movie tried at comedic bits which didn’t seem to flow right. It’s action scenes, while fun, offered nothing new or memorable by the end.

Director Alex Kurtzman (whose only directing experience comes from 2012’s dramedy People Like Us) seemed to try his darndest. The zombie-like reanimated corpses and the trailer-famous plane crash were cool to watch. But bringing anything around with mummies may have still been too soon, even with 2008’s third Brendan Fraser/Mummy being not at the 20 year mark. And while Sofia Boutella did fair as this mummy, she ended up just looking like a hot pale woman waltzing around London half naked, which, to some, may be rewarding, but there’s porn for that. This movie put buckets of cash into its special effects; it could have used a CGI mummy look creepier before sucking all the life out of the living and, ultimately, this movie. 🥁🥁🥁

A critic from Arizona Republic sums it up brilliantly: “The Mummy winds up being not much its own movie as what, by the end, feels like the first episode of a show that’s already been renewed for several seasons.” 👏 get👏it 👏 gurlll

C

*excessive heavy breathing through nostrils while cramming handful of popcorn into mouth*- unattractive heavy-set woman next to me

And I mimic the large-framed lady’s sentiments, though hers were out of desperation. She was genuinely trying to breathe because she was drowning herself in popcorn. For me, director Andy Muschietti recreated It well.  But before I bash him, revisit with me the miniseries from 1990. Adapted from the 1986 Stephen King novel, the four-hour, two-part miniseries was great because of Tim Curry’s performance as Pennywise the Clown. I’ll kindly preface the rest of my opinion of this movie in stating I never did read the novel that this movie was based off of (and I never will. YOU MADE ME READ OVER 1000 PAGES IN UNDER THE DOME, STEPHEN KING, SO YOU RUINED ME AND YOUR CHANCE).

With this movie, the director has done what genuinely very few horror movies, if any, have ever done- building characterization so as to allow you to feel for the main characters throughout the movie. 2008’s The Strangers sort of did this, but not at the length to which It demonstrated. In doing so, this has a two-fold result- viewers will like it for the cinematic value, and horror fans will dislike it because it takes away from the movie being truly horrific. Here’s how: the [effective] overuse of score music, coupled with displaying how the characters grow and develop alone and together as a group of children, helps build feeling for the children in this movie. I’m definitely supportive of this being done in the movie, but it takes away and separates itself from good classic horror, like Halloween, The Shining, and so on, because in doing so, it almost fills another category of horror, such as slasher horror (Scream) or cinematic horror (The Witch). As the director took this approach, he may have created a new sub-genre, as it just broke multiple horror-movie records and made over $120 million in just a few days.

Like with his other movie, Mama, from years back, where the director veered off from the typical horror plot and turned it emotional, Andy did it again with It. Here, thank God, it was effective because it followed along with the novel. As with Mama, where he showed the creature too much to where it wasn’t even scary at the end, he did the same with Pennywise. However, it follows with the frequent showing of the clown in the 1990 miniseries, so I can’t be mad. This movie was effective in everything it took on. And while it was not truly scary for anyone that watched the first two or more trailers, it did a considerably great job in characterization, creepiness, and delivering messages.

To end on performances, Bill Skarsgard did great as Pennywise. I loved the way they made him seem almost off with the blank stares and drool. He gave me the chills in one scene despite having seen it in the previews multiple times. I don’t care much about child actors, but I will say Jeden Lieberher and Sophia Lillis will definitely be future names of fame as long as they don’t do drugs and get arrested over the next few years. Jack Grazer and Finn Wolfhard did wonderfully in adding some really great humor to this movie. Over all, it’s obviously worth seeing. Watch it for the cinematic experience, not the scares. Thanks, betch.

B+

 

“Unexpectedly delightful, and I’m not talking about the current presidential debacle of multiple resignations.”-USA

This random movie that got little advertising earlier this year with even less buzz truly surprised me.  And after watching it, it makes sense to a degree. Sure, it’s mostly unoriginal. It takes much on from Gravity and Alien (1979).  Life boasts mostly impressive visuals that seem eerily similar to Gravity at times.  It comes across as a weak knock-off, however, with the first major scene serving us several minutes in one continuous shot (Sorry, but Gravity‘s 17 minute opening continuous shot delivers worlds more).  After Life gets….life…in itself (smirk emoji), it begins to take on the stuff that made Alien incredible. However,  Life never measures up, by any stretch, to Alien, the original hallmark of the horror/sci-fi genre, regardless of its darkness and hysteria.

But what Life lacks in originality, it makes up considerably in its performances and dark grit of horror/sci-fi.  With Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds, and Rebecca Ferguson, the cast does a nice job in harnessing the movie’s suspense. And with its suspense, the movie truly makes use of it’s R-rating with some gory, nasty deaths. Don’t get me wrong, this is the stuff of dreams for me; I just didn’t expect it. By the movie’s end, Life offered me enough anxiety-provoking moments that allowed me to actually enjoy the twist, despite how critics are claiming it to be predictable. But I have the IQ of a houseplant.

B-