The BMA’s featuring Rihanna

Some highlights in case you missed the VMA’s by intentionally turning the tv off:

Image result for dj khaled shirtlessThe sensationally mind-blowing DJ Khaled hosted the preshow, better known as “Performances by Youtube Artists Bonanza” or “Watch This Hour of TV to Feel Old.”  But I’m lying if I say DJ Khaled doesn’t mesmerize me. He captivates me with every word. The second they make a pull-string doll of him with his famous outlandish catch phrases is the moment I’ll be truly happy in life. Congratulations, you played yourself. ANOTHER ONE.

Image result for rihanna opening vmas 2016Rihanna opened with a medley of hits. She received the Vanguard award at the show’s end, so MTV made her perform 4 times to really earn it. She wore (what would be weird outfits if Lady Gaga never existed) mud flaps on her ass, so there’s that. Her singing was awkward at times with some notes, but the bitch got down, so who am I to get upset?

 

Image result for sean combs vmas 2016Diddy/ Dirty Money/ Puff Daddy/ Sean Combs presented one of…what….four awards (?) for he whole show. Yes, the threw it East with the kimono. But when you realize the man is 46 and has not aged since you ever heard about him, it makes you consider wearing a kimono to see if it has age-defying properties. Also: stop the name changes, Sean P Diddy Dirty Money Daddy Combs.
Image result for ARIANA GRANDE VMAS 2016Giving us another reason to say “Look what we looked like back then!” 20 years from now, Ariana Grande performed with Nicki Minaj in what could be mistaken for an opening sequence to gay porn. Making us relive Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” video and maybe even question our sexual identity, Ariana did a daring job in heels that could cripple a middle-aged woman. Her voice was immaculate, per usual.
Image result for nick cannon VMAS 2016Just a quick aside and reason #82 I think Nick Cannon is a talentless piece of shit that deserves no fame or success.
Image result for VMAS 2016 alicia keysAlicia Keys DM’ed some spoken art stuff about war while presenting. I love that she’s doing the whole “no makeup, no problem” thing because she’s actually very pretty AND reminds me that Kim Kardashian is worthless in yet another way. I just wish Alicia did something with her hair to make it seem as if she did bathe occasionally.

 

Image result for future VMAS 2016Future, who I never really listened to because English is my primary language, did a charming performance of the classic “Fuck Up Some Commas,” a delightful phrase that can be summarized by urbandictionary.com as “spend[ing] an obscene amount of money,” in case you aren’t hip. I didn’t understand a word but the beat and the backup dancers/ hypers psyched me up!

 

Image result for VMAS 2016 kaney west fadeImage result for kanye west fadeImage result for kanye west fade

Kanye West was given 4 minutes to say whatever he wants. And I hate that that’s even a sentence, but the MTV producers were thirsty. He muttered some shit about nothing, used “like” about 18 times and even threw in a handful of “bro” and BROOOOOOOOO” for good measure, before forcing us to watch his new music video premiere for “Fade,” an updated Flashdance scene that was soaked in porn for 3 days and hung up to dry. It was just pure raunchiness before ending with a mild sex shower scene in which the girl looks like a cat while on top of a hot guy, has a baby, and is surrounded by farm animals. I wish I was hallucinating this.

 

Image result for VMAS 2016 nick jonas bulgeNick Jonas did a fair job performing about bacon and parading his bulge around to let the public know that he tucks left.

 

Image result for VMAS 2016 beyonce perform

BeyoncĂŠ did a Super Bowl Halftime performance to remind us that she is God, as well as to give the gays something to blog about the next day. I mean, what more can be said? She performed most of her Lemonade album, killed it, and ruined everything for performers who followed her act. I’m bitter, obv.

 

Image result for VMAS 2016 britney perform

Yes, MTV made Britney Spears perform RIGHT AFTER. They threw her under the BeyoncĂŠ Bus. She gave us what we’d expect: lipsyncing, harmless fun, sass, by-the-number choreo. And we’re ok with that. We had been praying for his since 2007 after she shaved her head. But when you do that after a big ass production that is BeyoncĂŠ, it ends up looking pitiful and helpless. But please consider that fact that she’s looking great again, dropped a killer album, and is back in the game. I feel for her the way I did in 1999. I can’t say that about Mariah.

Overall VMA’s: C+

“If MTV gives it glowing reviews, expect to enjoy it if you’re 19 years old.”- me

This movie had some good things going for itself. The good includes its fantastic lineup of actors’ and actresses’ voices. As with any Seth Rogen concept, it’s accompanied by the regulars: Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd, James Franco, etc., but a nice, lengthy list nonetheless. Another pro (and particular favorite of mine) is the creativity of the movie’s major synopsis. What the characters see compared to how humans perceive it is done hilariously.  Without giving anything away aside from the trailers’ reveal, I enjoyed myself heartily when the food was getting diced or eaten. And I’m pretty macabre.

When you think about it, Sausage Party came with a lot of potential. In this world that the movie creates, it stayed a pretty narrow coarse.  It maintained the sense of humor the 18-22 age range will eat up (*snare drum sound*), but beyond the outlandish death scenes, it just entertains sex and drugs….go figure. And don’t get me wrong, the sex scene was outrageous and funny. But Rogen always feels the need to rely on drugs to make a story funny when it’s already funny on its own.

C-

“…Suicide Squad is the **** of the **** They need to burn it down…”- user review from Metacritic.com -_-

A little dramatic but okay lolz. I will say in a world dominated by superhero movies getting shoved down our gullets, this one was refreshing. It had some cute -if not forced- edge to it, and contained some enjoyable comic book vibes.  The introductions of the cast are thrown at us pretty quickly, to the point to where you kind of want to just give up on recalling who is who and just remember the key characters that we’re “supposed” to know- eye roll- with Harley Quinn and the Joker. Now, hear me out when I report I enjoyed this movie over all. However, I felt like I was watching a movie within a movie re: the love connection with the Joker and Harley Quinn.  Jared Leto and Margot Robbie did great jobs; America seems to be getting moist panties a little too much for me, but for what they portrayed, I was satisfied.  It just seemed as if their relationship was an excuse to put a revived characterization of the Joker for a potential excuse for a Joker movie spinoff later down the line.

The plot of this movie seemed pretty constricted when there was more potential.  The action was fairly consistent and well-paced, but the fight scenes for me were too jumbled, haphazard, and riddled with smoke and mirrors for me to really enjoy it.  Pardon the necessary comparison to a Marvel film, but movies like The Avengers and Captain America: Civil War seem to offer fight scenes were the action is clear and calculated to where it is more appreciated. In this DC movie, though, the camera seems for too zoomed in, and the lens seems to be darkened or too hazy. I’m being a naggy bitch, but if you’re going to give me action, let me see it, assholes.

C+

“She’s behind the door. Watch….see?! What did I say?”- idiot bitch next to me the whole time in the theater, sucking her fingers every time she ate a piece of popcorn, which was somehow the entire duration of the movie.


I’ll watch nearly any horror movie, aside from Tyler Perry features. However, when it comes to me being satisfied, it can be a different story.  Biased or not, I’d been wanting to see Lights Out all year long after I saw the short this movie was based on.  As far as plot and characters, this movie is pretty typical.  If you ever saw Darkness Falls (2003), you’d say this movie is fairly similar in that the scary monster thing can’t kill folks in the light. Teresa Palmer (a pretty version of Kristen Stewart that has life in her face) does a modest job of being afraid of the dark. She does well so as to not make you watch her character and hope she dies. Likewise, Maria Bello is the “crazy” mom; I’ll avoid the mental health soap box, but she does what she can with her character having bipolar (please note I’m rolling my eyes here at the diagnosis).

Now, this movie delivers some great and unique scares given that it only relies on one entity that requires nothing major with special effects.  The jumps are provided time and time again. And with a short 80+ minute time, no effort is wasted in giving us boring background stories or humdrum nonsense.  Directed by a guy that has only directed shorts previously, this movie does enough to impress horror fans while leaving a possible impression on us to, in time, have his name recognized one day much like James Wan, who has his hand in every horror movie out there in the last several years and including, of course, this one.  The end has a poorly executed but still relevant twist that will probably (but not hopefully) lead to a sequel, be it in theaters, VOD, or Netflix, no doubt.  Overall, for a PG-13 movie, I was a bit more impressed that I thought I would be going into this movie, and I had somewhat high expectations.

C+

 

“Original, fun, and dynamic: the opposite of its predecessor.”- me, with my ID4 flag and cap, and a bucket of popcorn in my lap while I wear a frown

WHY!? The original gave us a unique (for its time) story, cutting-edge (for its time) special effects, and provided us with a satisfying ending that did not need a sequel. So, what…..20 years later and some writers pen together a script: “So, the aliens wait 20 years because it’s been 20 years. And maybe…..20 years of Earth preparing…..20 years…..20 years. 20. Two zero.” We get it. Good Jesus.  And I blame the writers for this, not the director, Roland Emmerich. Now don’t be mistaken, this director is known for his disaster movies that lack in characterization, but they’re still fun to watch (Godzilla (1998 version), The Day After Tomorrow, 2012). But none of these movies ever need a sequel.  This was a disaster movie that was a genuine disaster.

I was raised on Independence Day when it came out….20 years ago (eye roll).  So I went into this movie with a hint of bias, low expectations, and IBS.  I came out even less satisfied. The action scenes were so forced, and that was supposed to be the meat of this movie.  The final action scene with the mother alien tramping around like a T-Rex after a school bus in the desert really made me feel like I was watching Jurassic Glactic . Ultimately, the action scenes didn’t seem to last long, yet this movie seemed to drag.  They were good special effects, of course. But it takes a bit more that that. Otherwise, throw this shit onto a 2-night special event on NBC.  You need a decent plot, or you’re just going to smell like a Sharknado movie. The characters in this movie had me rooting for them to get killed. I didn’t understand the point in bringing back Vivica A Fox’s character. And the fact that I was looking forward to this movie being over made me sad because the original was so great. Consider me a child that was sitting on the stoop, waiting for dad to pick him up for the weekend, only to have his kooky uncle to pick him up instead.

C-

 

“Scarier than the first one.”- Wanda, ticket stub tearer at the cinema

And Wanda was right! FTW! Now tear my ticket, Wanda (eye roll). No one needs your opinion. Which remind me: here’s mine! So director James Wan has come a long way in making a good name for himself. He was behind all seven Saw movies, directed the first and second Insidious (eat shit, Insidious 3), and truly came around with The Conjuring and Annabelle. I grocery-list these movies to show you how he has progressed as a director.  We all think the same for the Saw series, amiright?! Let’s shout it out together, “The first one was awesome. The second one was cool. The third one was pretty good. 4,5,6….I don’t know what is happening. The last one was…wait was that the one with the window display?” But then his groundbreaking Insidious (forgetting how the sequel was lazy and the third was just uncalled for) showcased his mastery of directing. The first Conjuring did some fantastic shit with camera angles and zooming in, as well as being pretty original for being, like, the 72nd exorcism movie ever.

(Sorry to prattle on but…) so this sequel picked up gracefully from the original.  It paced well, and it provided so many well-times jolts. And I’m talking well-earned, gratifying, slap-on-the-back jolts that feel almost congratulatory.  Without giving too much away, the portrait scene was, without a doubt, one of my favorite horror scenes in the last decade.  When was the last time you saw a legit scary scene that took place in daylight? BAM.  The return of actors Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga was a triumph in itself for this movie, as they continue to have an awesome connection as actors.

I would have been okay if they carved a good 25 minutes from this movie, as some of it would have been better “deleted scenes” cuts on a DVD release. At times, this sequel seemed to try to be a bit more complex when not even necessary, which was the greatness of the first Conjuring with its simplicity, but I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me. Overall, this movie held its own as one of the few sequels out there that was made to be more than just a sequel to make more money than the original. It was an unexpected delight.

B

Popstar: A long SNL skit

I laughed several times. It was refreshing because most comedies are aimed at just sex appeal and drugs.  Sure, Popstar aimed at some really easy targets to poke fun, but it was pretty spot-on most times.  Now, the majority of the scenes are funny, but not the point to get a literal LOL on. It was enjoyable to not get bored with this movie. Once you overlook the fact that this poke-at-pop theme is kind of dated and so 2000, you get to appreciate the ridiculousness of this movie. The songs are genuinely catchy with the most ridiculous lyrics that truly make you concerned about the writers’ well-being. But I think it’s safe to say that anyone who enjoys the SNL Digital Shorts will eat this movie up.  No substance but still good fun.

C+