And I say that with fire in my eyes. THIS SHOW NEEDS TO BURN TO THE GROUND. And I say that with confidence because I can assure you that the one who is the only contestant worthy of winning will not win. Let’s be candid: the audience that votes (probably still white girls with a mean age of 11) has hand picked, literally, a white guy (usually with a guitar) for seasons 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, and 15. And I’m telling you now- if one of those white guys in the above photo wins, I’ve lost any hope for America I somehow once had.
I’ll also chime in with the fact that Lionel Richie, Katy Perry, and Luke Bryan are showcasing their ignorance with today’s music industry. Luke Bryan: you acting like a stereotype of a southern hick is everything but adorable. Lionel Richie: hello? Is it 1981? Stop talking about the Commodores; you don’t even care about them. Katy Perry: bitch I try to like you, but your last album was forgettable trash that doesn’t even deserve to be set on fire. You all three are morons for sending some of the most talented contestants home prior to the Top 24, Top 14, and now Top 10. I’ll quickly pour some out for my homies:
Lee Vasi (did not get into the Top 24): you caught my eyes and ears instantly. You have star appeal. You were my world for a week.
Amelia Hammer Harris (did not get into the Top 14): genuinely one of a kind voice with a unique style that American pop needs. Idiots, America. IDIOTS.
Mara Justine (did not get into the Top 10): this beautiful 15 year old bitch has a voice so incredible for her age. And yet our expert panel of deep dish dumb fucks voted for other contestants to move forward into the Top 10. Observe, through the viewing globe, as I rank these assholes based off of Sunday’s and Monday’s performances.
10. Michelle Sussett (Judge’s Choice)– Let’s not forgot this bitch twerked during a performance. Waitress, you vocals are like speeding a record- unpleasant and unnecessary. Your judges-proclaimed “pocket Ace” is that you can sing in Spanish, and so you sings most songs as bilingual. It’s not needed. It’s like playing a piano for every performance, or wearing the same dress for every performance. They are going to destroy your “career” (for lack of a better term for getting kicked off Idol and turning to prostitution) with their “sage” advice.
9. Caleb Lee Hutchinson– I’m glad you lost weight. But this isn’t Biggest Loser, although JESUS LORD is it appropriate?! Scotty McCrerry already won; we don’t need another white kid that can “sing” in a creepy deep voice.
8. Gabby Barrett– You look like every girl that works at Twin Peaks. You sound like every girl that looks like she could sing that works at Twin Peaks. I don’t know what ABC wants us to think, but compare her again, in any way, shape, or form, to Carrie Underwood, and we’ll have a legal issue on our hands. Points for being able to hold a note, I guess.
7. Dennis Lorenzo (Judge’s Choice)– I’ll admit: you’re one of the more okay singers in the Top 10, but sadly that’s saying very little due to the piss poor selection, courtesy of America’s votes and the judges’ four choices. The dull look and appeal won’t help you move advance much.
6. Michael Woodard– I don’t get it. I don’t see it. The judges treat you like you’re Jesus. To me, you simply are like a shape of Chris Brown with the voice of Chris Tucker. Points for being quirky, if I was being paid to be generous.
5. Cade Foehner– Sure, you sound like a talented version of Creed’s lead singer, but the downside is….it’s Creed. You’re good on a guitar, but I got enough of that from the other past “winners” of Idol history. Snooze.
4. Jurnee – You got the look and the name. Your voice is good, but not noteworthy.
3. Ada Vox (Judge’s Choice)– While I’m uncomfortable with drag queens in general because they can be very shtick, you can truly sing. You held your own against fucking Lea Michele in a duet. I’d be shocked if you made it through the next few weeks because the USofA is very MAGA!
2. Maddie Poppe– Cute name. Cute look. Cute style. You’re just cute! Your voice is so pleasant and effortless. Your version of “Walk Like an Egyptian” though!!!!
1. Catie Turner– I know. I know! But she is a genius vocalist. She’s quirky, not arrogant, refreshing, and just incredible. She will teach us that talent isn’t truly on the outside, despite how these idiot kids vote.
In closing, and to be clear, I truly only like my top 3 picks. The rest are expandable. Do what you want with them. Take them out back and shoot’em. Kidding. Gun jokes aren’t funny yet. This season is piss-poor with talent, sadly. I blame the judges 85% and America the 15% for now. All-time low ratings for this season would surprise me if we even get to make it to the finale.