A Good Ol’ Brian’s Home Media Review

oblivion_bd-fullThis movie did everything it could to draw me in.  The producers even told me after the fact that they were in the pre-concept stage of this movie and discussed, “Y,all, let’s just put Tom Cruise in a not-too-distant setting with cool effects involving an -Earth-in-disaster scenario. Brian will eat it up with a spoon.” And I did-a large serving spoon that a ladle could ladle out of. Yes. That big.  I appreciated that director Joseph Kosinski (of the Tron remake!) had Oblivion take place after Earth got the shit beat out of it by the aliens.  Greater, still, is the movie doesn’t even use a crazy thousands-of-alien attack sequence-it focuses more on Cruise’s character and his path to realization.  Now, in my humblest of opinions, all of the aha!-moments and twists were very obvious, and I assure you I am not smart. At all. Still, I could not help but be mesmerized by [and for that, fapping to] all the beautiful scenes of Earth being so destructed and desolate.  It was nuts, by watching this right after Oz: The Great and Powerful, which was released about the same time as Oblivion earlier this year, how much the two were at opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of the visual effects.  And without even looking into it, I bet my left arm the budget was bigger for Oz than for Oblivion. (Okay, so I had to look just now. I’m right. Obv.)

The movie had an elegance about it that, even though the story got pretty sci-fi towards the end, I could not get mad.  I was originally upset because no one heard about this movie at first before it debuted.  Shyamalan’s After Earth was making a splash in the news before it came out, and then Oblivion crept from under the bed sheets and was released before Shyamalan’s movie came out, which critics tore apart like Miley’s vagina by her 14 year old fans in her dreams.  I feel awful for M. Night Shyamalan, but I’ll save that for my diary this evening.  Though I have not seen his feature yet, Oblivion held its own indefinitely.  And while it won’t make my top movie list (thanks for asking, though), I enjoyed the fuckoutofit.

B+

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A Good Ol’ Brian’s Home Media Review

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The calendars say it’s 2013. I DON’T BELIEVE THE CALENDARS WHEN I WATCH THIS MOVIE.  I realize I’m a freak that notices/becomes emotionally concerned with lighting in cinema.  But  I’m not asking for much in this day and age- if we can toast bread, we can surely make the characters in a movie seem like they are actually in the scene even if the background is all green screen, AMIRIGHT? Not once in this movie was I able to pretend to believe that anything looked realistic. Well, wait, I half-take that back.  The little China girl made of porcelain looked 100% amazing-honestly.  That was one of the few things that impressed me.  But then she spoke, and I just wanted to crush her little porcelain face in with a severe cough. I’m getting side-tracked. Now, I appreciate much of what director Sam Raimi has done in his career-loved the original Evil Dead; loved Drag Me to Hell.  And I wanted to love Oz: The Long and Winded Title That Could Have Been Shortened and More Memorable.  It sadly fell very short of my dreams.  Sure, it was beautifully animated with lots of color and in-your-face (but-unnecessarily-so) 3-D, but as we move forward into the 2010s(?), I expect the caliber of Avatar effects and not those of the SciFi Sharkigator bullshit that everyone is pretending to like because everyone else is pretending to love it because it is so bad but no one even possibly enjoys it, regardless of how stupid it is.

Final remarks: Michelle Williams is just lovely. (Now, I’m about to make tens of enemies here, but…) James Franco was a horrible choice for the role. He looked some random dude from a frat that put on a top hat with his sadly ambitious cheesestache.  And Mila Kunis, no matter how pretty she is, will always be unenjoyable for me because she was in That 70s Show and voices Meg in Family Guy. She can’t be unheard or unseen.

C

Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” video

I’ve been trying to avoid this just as much as I’ve been trying to avoid hepatitis and being in an elevator with one other person; however, I can’t be tamed 😉 In watching this ridiculous shit show spectacle that is considered a music video..

(you’re welcome, no problem, it was MY absolute pleasure)…here’s what the fuck is going on in my mind, frame by frame:

  • 0:01-Christ! Why?
  • 0:02-0:08-Oh, okay! She’s going for the whole vulnerable thing after being a complete asshole in her last video and at the VMAs. Nice!
  • 0:09-0:32-Just wipe the fucking tear. And DAMN! Dat spit tho.
  • 0:33-0:54-Good for you M.Cy! You’re not an idiot whore after all, maybe I judged you too soon…
  • 0:55-Wait, is that an 11 year old boy in Miley’s outfit from her last video??
  • 0:57-I guess it’s not cold.
  • 1:04-Uh….why are you acting like the wrecking ball is a pole? Arching your back and shit! Jesus.
  • 1:10-…and your licking a sledge hammer now.
  • 1:14-Wait, what?! (nice tan line)
  • 1:24-Again, really? What happened to trying to be vulnerable?
  • 1:27-I can’t keep looking at this. This is like child porn.
  • 1:45-Your giblet is showing 😦
  • 1:46-2:20-I get it; you’re not putting your clothes back on. That’s fine.
  • 2:21-dat ass.
  • 2:59-3:00-a summary of her VMA performance.
  • 3:09-Did she just slap herself? Fuck, I can do that for you. For free. Truly.
  • 3:37-So that’s who I need to thank for this. Noted.

 

Deuces. Stay sweet, miles.

a quick chat about that american idol finale

It was Wednesday, May 5th, 2013. I quickly watched the recorded American Idol finale from Tuesday night to watch Candice and Kree sing off. Afterwards, I was quickly awash with feelings of being cheated on by a man/woman after a 12 year relationship. Now, let’s just skip past all the shouting and declarations of “I told you so,” and “Wait, he looks like a man that looks like a woman that looks like a man. Hang him!” I know you want to tell me the show has been “fixed” and “staged.”  But this season made it truly obvious, and that’s why I’m leaving American Idol after a 12-year commitment of sweet-nothings and butterfly kisses.

Briefly, the producers went into this season back in January knowing its rating had kind of been sucking over time. So, they wanted to make sure a girl won (look at the lavish successes of Kelly and Carrie).  They over-hyped the girls during audition weeks and semi-finals. The top 10 (5 boys, 5 girls) went week after week with sending a guy home. And then, hey top 5! All girls! What a shoo-in! Suddenly, the judges kept giving Candice standing-o’s (yep, standing-o’s, bitches) like it was, in fact, their jobs.  Once Angie, the girl that should have won, got knocked out last week, they insured Candice’s victory with 3 stellar song-choices (producer-picked,no less) while giving good ol’ Kree some boring tunes to sing. Candice became a glorified Jesus-figure (proof in the pudding vine.co/v/bEerVDW7vEW )

So that completes phase I of my rant. Here, phase II discusses why Angie was supposed to win.

In the semi-finals (top 25? top 35? whatevs, it’s casual) she performed her own song, blew the judges (and the WORLD!) away.  She avoided the bottom 3 for 10 weeks before mind-numbingly getting eliminated. Yet, returned to perform at the finale. And then, her own single was released on iTunes last night and has more positive reviews than Kree and Candice’s singles combined…and it’s only been 10 hours. MUAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway, NEVER AGAIN, AMERICAN IDOL!

a good ol’ brian’s home media review

This movie was an absolute pleasure to watch. It lets kids be kids by allowing them to believe in such childhood favorites as the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa.  Dreamworks, in my very considered opinion, gives Pixar a run for its money with this fine feature.  The special effects are impressively lifelike at times, giving great care to lighting (I’m a lighting guy with movies, you know this, so turn the page).  Much of the scenery leaves little to be desired.  I thought the movie was humorous but macabre at times (the “tooth and gums” bit….really? for children??) but then again I’m pretty sick.  And also impressive: THE VOICE CASTINGS!!! Chris Pine? Isla Fisher? Alec Baldwin? Hugh Jackman? Jude Law? (Did I get them all, Dreamworks?) I had no idea! Seriously, I was pleasantly surprised, but I don’t have a good ear for voice recognition. Except for Howie Mandel. His voice his pretty specific.

A negative for Rise of the Guardians is that, as with every animated 3D movie I’ve ever encountered (except for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs–shout out to my bitches in Cloudy) it tried with much desperation to aim at being 3D.  There are so many “take the audience on a crazy adventure” scenes where it’s simulated to make you feel like you (yes, you) are on a loony sleigh ride in the streets or flying through the night time sky with Santa.  And there are excessive amounts of sand swirls in the air that push for the 3D effect. I look forward to the day I watch a 3D animation that doesn’t push itself down my gullet. Still and all, the movie itself is wonderful. Just wonderful. It was exactly what I thought it would be, plus about 10% more. Like a transvestite 🙂

Hey girls. did y’all know this?

Okay. First things first. I’m sorry (Jordan) that my blog has turned into one in which I just bitch about shit that pisses me off.  What can I say? I use this motherfucker to fucking release fucking tension. You use a journal, your hand, or a Taylor Swift playlist to do such. I use my blog. Let’s move on.

Now, there have been an ever-increasing amount of these obnoxious “hey girl did you know about your boobs?” memes that make me want to saw my own foot off.  Let’s look below for a definition.

  • Meme: an idea or element of social behavior passed on throughgenerations in a culture, esp by imitation

 There are tens of thousands on the great World Wide Web. Yet, I particularly hate this fucking meme:

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As the origin of these memes,(from Tumblr, go figure!) this picture was aimed at girls who took revealing pictures of their mammary glands and posted it online. I’m not a cleavage guy      😐        but I would rather stare at cleavage than have to take another look at this little 8 year old bitch who wants to prove to the world that she is somehow above “cleavage picture” whores. Now I could easily create an endless list of things that truly piss me off with this specific meme; chief among them: the amount of time she probably took to get all dolled up (I’LL GUESS A FUCKING HOUR, MINIMALLY) for a series of webcam shots, the amount of cam shots she probably took to take just the right picture of herself four times (I’ll guess 42, but prove me wrong, cunt), the fact that she was able to make herself look like a moronic deep-dish dumb fuck four times with her moronic facial expressions…….I’ll stop. This is just making my blood pressure rise. Fucking bitch.

But most of all, I hate what this one fucking meme has created on the internet.  It created a chain reaction of more deep-dish dumb fucks taking pictures of themselves in truly attempting to one-up this idiot. For example, here’s another bitch that wanted to respond to the above meme, and (by the looks of her) wanted to look and sound like even more of a fucking imbecile:

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Good use of “guise,” dickhead.

Next, we have this sudden fucking social activist that is just so triumphant in surely everything she does, including the way she wears her hat and sleeps in a bunk bed:

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Then, there’s the meme that makes me pretty volatile. These children (yes, children, who probably just “graduated” from fourth grade at celebrated at Olive Garden) attempt to explain to us where every fucking penis belongs.  EVERY. FUCKING PENIS.:Image

By the children’s third photo, I would have guessed they were demonstrating the structure of a uterus and two ovaries with their child hands. But I know nothing. In regards to the guy’s response: I like it. I’ll allow it. But put a fucking shirt on.  People give zero fucks about your collar bones. 

Lastly, the only meme of this type that I actually like:

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Period.