Taylor Swift acts like a two year old during her performance about people being just so mean and bully-like! And she wins an award and is shocked? “Me?! Oh my gosh. I’ve won, literally, 100 awards (look it up, y’all) and I am simply humbled. Thanks, pre-teens! Unexpected! AAHHHH!”
Adele rapes the show of awards and mistakes her awards as bundles of chocolate coins.
J-Hud kicks ass with a Whitney tribute, sticking it to American Idol season 3 in saying thanks for letting me get 7th place!
Carrie stuns America by walking on carpet.
Nicki Minaj acts like Lady Gaga never had a show-stopper at the VMAs in 2009 and acts like a moron. She was as tasteful at a classy event as I imagined she would be.
Did I watch the Super Bowl this year? God, did I!? No. But I watched the commercials. And Madonna’s
lip-syncing mouthing words live performance walking around on stage really gay-like with gay background dancers and gay lights and gay special effects. I liked it, obviously. Still, let’s window-shop some of the previews during the Super Bowl:
John Carter: I liked you back when you had a full preview back in November. I know you can jump high. And I look forward to you battling larger-than-life aliens. Thanks for showing me how to spell your name though! And as a brief aside: out of all the attractive actors in the world, you pick Snakes on a Plane‘s Taylor Kitsch? Brrr.
The Avengers: As of Saturday February 4, 2012, I hated you. You looked like a two-hour movie filled with bad quotes and a ten minute scene somewhere with cool explosions in a street. Today, you won me over like Susan Boyle when she first opened her mouth on stage but still looked ugly. But I swear on my child that if this is just a boring fest with a bunch of heroes talking and not knocking the shit out of things, I will be irritable.
Battleship: I’m teeter-tottering with you. I’m trying to get excited but the more robot things you show me unleashing havoc on cities with large buildings, the more I think about how I loved Transformers, how I was “meh” about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and forgot what I even saw in Transformers: Dark of the Moon. And Rihanna…..stop. Just stop.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation: Ultimately I’m sure I will keep you close to my heart when I see you. The original preview from a few months ago was surprisingly lackluster as I felt the preview for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was all kinds of kick ass (still hard to top the driving in Paris scene). Wait, the more I think about it, I am really excited now that I saw this preview. I just hope it lives up to its predecessor from 2009.
Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace 3D: That’s enough.
Briefly: first one was original, second was well-paced, third one was just plain smart. I generally lose interest when a movie is into its third installment (Sorry, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Sorry, Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Sorry, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked; although I will admit you were pretty crafty in changing the “s” in “shipwrecked” into a “c,” because, you know, chipmunks! I got it! LOL!!!!). Back to Paranormal Activity 3. It truly is smart to a degree. At this point in the movie’s career, the producers know what works. Putting the camera on an oscillating fan to play “now you see it, now you don’t” newborn games with the audience works like a charm! The anxiety-provoking silence this movie uses, too, really makes you poot. And since this one is supposed to take place in the late 80s, my top hat goes off to the awesome 80s/early 90s house they use in the movie: perfecto! Still, all things come with a catch/disease, and this one just comes with the former.
Paranormal Activity 3 is evident when trying to not be obvious when stretching the plot. I mean, without giving anything important away, the movie starts by implying that the ghost stole home videos…sincerely? And let’s not forget when the family hears a noise upstairs and instead investigates a lower floor…closet? Just to give us a cheap thrill? I’m offended. In sum, PA3 has enough suspense to make you want sloppy seconds (or, here, fourths.!!!!!Paranormal Activity 4~LoOk oUt hAtAz 10//19/2012!!). By the time the usual 45 minutes of blase occurs just as in the first two movies, you know what formula the producers are going to feed you (ZOMG!!1 how clever: here, I imply that we, the audience, are infants, open to whatever the producers want to feed us. Genius.) with the usual boring first 2/3rds of the movie followed by a lot of suspense and a zany ending. Meh.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I had been peeing giddily a little to see Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark since the summer of 2011. The trailer seemed promising. I viewed it la film, and I’m stuck between liking it enough to buy it one day when it’s in a Wal-mart bin for $10 and disliking to where I might ask for it as a birthday gift (May 28).
Why Brian likey. It has some nice suspense built into it. There are scenes when (if watching alone with no lights or adult supervision) you are kind of concerned for your well-being as well as that of the main character, little girl Sally. Which brings me to my next likey: little girl actress Bailee Madison. Though she tends to act too old for her own good, she can currently milk Hollywood’s teets as a great child actress. I may me biased because I enjoy watching children cry, but her cry-fest scenes are honestly remarkable and believable. Overall, the movie provides a great spooky-haunted-house atmosphere where, when watched in the appropriate setting, can appear kind of haunting.
Why Brian no likey. Maybe I just don’t care for Guillermo del Toro’s production skills (though I haven’t seen The Orphanage yet). Still, I haven’t liked anything he’s directed (not even Pan’s Labyrinth: deal with it), so maybe he’s the issue. He seems to be a fan of showing the audience his “feature’s creature*” a lot, perhaps more than necessary. I’m a fan of movie’s showing little of the monster/creature throughout the whole movie (Cloverfield, fax me). And Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark did a swell job of that up until about 40 minutes in. After that, I can practically draw the creatures from memory because they are in every inch of the rest of the movie. Hell, I even became attached to them because they start to become more cute and crafty towards the end of the movie. In closing: what the f with the R rating: I’ve seen more blood in a European Tampax commercial.
To summarize: what the movie has in chilling atmosphere and good acting from little girl Sally lacks in scares and a plot that is not by the numbers (I am not even sure what that means).
*not his penis
“Blair Witch Project? In space? What can be bad about this?” I thought this to myself upon standing in front of a local RedBox, naked. The lackluster trailer and fact that this movie made shit at the box office should have tipped me off. As the credits rolled as they were just prefaced about how it was actual footage, I felt like I only watched the first 3/4ths of the movie. Yes, there’s a decent amount of silent suspense peppered with foolish in-your-face scares (waking up from sleeping, a camera shaking, a rock moving, I wish I was exaggerating). As a professional film director, I felt there were endless possibilities with various scenes in this movie to make it actually suspenseful and/or scary. Scenario: in a cave with a flash bulb that puts out light every few seconds, make an alien attack an astronaut! Of course that doesn’t happen; instead there is pracitally a bed and breakfast scene with the aliens. Ultimately, Apollo 18 falls short on actual scares, actual alien encounters, and an actual ending (the DVD/Blu-Ray offers four, yes, four alternate endings and about 20 deleted/alternate scenes). This should tell you something about the movie:
save your $1.64 Check out Wendy’s new breakfast menu!
A quick minute-by-minute guide:
**MINOR SPOILERS UP AHEAD**
1-10 mins: lots of talking and debriefing and a noise
10-30: unnecessary shaky camera footage; the aliens commit theft
30-60: hermit crabs as pets in Floridian gift shops and a zombie astronaut
60-86: heavy breathing, thoughts of feeling underwhelmed, and concern for movie’s lack of a big alien finish
I know. Just calm down and breathe. Watch the trailer.
In seeing this you would think, “Oh Carrie Underwood-Fisher! Brian’s going to be obsessed.” And you’ll probably be right. CGI out of the ass: yes. Aliens involved: ho yah! So why would Brian be upset after watching the trailer. 11 words, colleagues. IT LOOKS LIKE ARMAGEDDON AND TRANSFORMERS JUST HAD SEX ON SCREEN! I recall the
boring-as-fuck beloved boardgame. You say numbers and letters out loud, you jump pegs around. FUN! But to turn it into Transformageddon 5: Rise of the Loading Dock…. it’s just low, director Peter Berg (sidebar: thanks for Hancock. I’ve never wanted to walk out of a movie before in the privacy of my own bedroom). Regardless of how unoriginal this movie seems, I look forward to being first in line next year to see it.
First things first, hookers: my “couple of the decade” separated, and I’m pissed. Tea Leoni and David Duchovny? After 14 years? I always used y’all for the “famous couple together the longest” game. Now I’m fucked. Thanks for being selfish, Tea and Dave.
P.S. Tea, you were unforgettable in Deep Impact because, chief among reasons, it had a deep impact on me (gurl! oh no he di’n’t!)
Secondly, Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson are returning next year for American Idol. And guess what: I’m pissed. I’d rather no more American Idol at this point if they’re just going to keep judges on the show that either (A) have a seven-word vocabulary of a street thug trying to obtain cocaine or (B) talks more out of his ass than Oprah did (Thanks, Jesus, for letting me be able to use past tense when referring to her).
Lastly, I will never stop trying to get the rest of American to watch Big Brother (new season debuts on Thursday, July 7th at 8pm CST on CBS). I will now unleash a cornucopia of great video footage from seasons past to whet your appetite.
Just watch up to 4:30
Reason #16 I’m obsessed with host Julie Chen