a quick chat about that american idol finale

It was Wednesday, May 5th, 2013. I quickly watched the recorded American Idol finale from Tuesday night to watch Candice and Kree sing off. Afterwards, I was quickly awash with feelings of being cheated on by a man/woman after a 12 year relationship. Now, let’s just skip past all the shouting and declarations of “I told you so,” and “Wait, he looks like a man that looks like a woman that looks like a man. Hang him!” I know you want to tell me the show has been “fixed” and “staged.”  But this season made it truly obvious, and that’s why I’m leaving American Idol after a 12-year commitment of sweet-nothings and butterfly kisses.

Briefly, the producers went into this season back in January knowing its rating had kind of been sucking over time. So, they wanted to make sure a girl won (look at the lavish successes of Kelly and Carrie).  They over-hyped the girls during audition weeks and semi-finals. The top 10 (5 boys, 5 girls) went week after week with sending a guy home. And then, hey top 5! All girls! What a shoo-in! Suddenly, the judges kept giving Candice standing-o’s (yep, standing-o’s, bitches) like it was, in fact, their jobs.  Once Angie, the girl that should have won, got knocked out last week, they insured Candice’s victory with 3 stellar song-choices (producer-picked,no less) while giving good ol’ Kree some boring tunes to sing. Candice became a glorified Jesus-figure (proof in the pudding vine.co/v/bEerVDW7vEW )

So that completes phase I of my rant. Here, phase II discusses why Angie was supposed to win.

In the semi-finals (top 25? top 35? whatevs, it’s casual) she performed her own song, blew the judges (and the WORLD!) away.  She avoided the bottom 3 for 10 weeks before mind-numbingly getting eliminated. Yet, returned to perform at the finale. And then, her own single was released on iTunes last night and has more positive reviews than Kree and Candice’s singles combined…and it’s only been 10 hours. MUAHAHAHAHA.



a good ol’ brian’s home media review

This movie was an absolute pleasure to watch. It lets kids be kids by allowing them to believe in such childhood favorites as the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa.  Dreamworks, in my very considered opinion, gives Pixar a run for its money with this fine feature.  The special effects are impressively lifelike at times, giving great care to lighting (I’m a lighting guy with movies, you know this, so turn the page).  Much of the scenery leaves little to be desired.  I thought the movie was humorous but macabre at times (the “tooth and gums” bit….really? for children??) but then again I’m pretty sick.  And also impressive: THE VOICE CASTINGS!!! Chris Pine? Isla Fisher? Alec Baldwin? Hugh Jackman? Jude Law? (Did I get them all, Dreamworks?) I had no idea! Seriously, I was pleasantly surprised, but I don’t have a good ear for voice recognition. Except for Howie Mandel. His voice his pretty specific.

A negative for Rise of the Guardians is that, as with every animated 3D movie I’ve ever encountered (except for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs–shout out to my bitches in Cloudy) it tried with much desperation to aim at being 3D.  There are so many “take the audience on a crazy adventure” scenes where it’s simulated to make you feel like you (yes, you) are on a loony sleigh ride in the streets or flying through the night time sky with Santa.  And there are excessive amounts of sand swirls in the air that push for the 3D effect. I look forward to the day I watch a 3D animation that doesn’t push itself down my gullet. Still and all, the movie itself is wonderful. Just wonderful. It was exactly what I thought it would be, plus about 10% more. Like a transvestite 🙂

Hey girls. did y’all know this?

Okay. First things first. I’m sorry (Jordan) that my blog has turned into one in which I just bitch about shit that pisses me off.  What can I say? I use this motherfucker to fucking release fucking tension. You use a journal, your hand, or a Taylor Swift playlist to do such. I use my blog. Let’s move on.

Now, there have been an ever-increasing amount of these obnoxious “hey girl did you know about your boobs?” memes that make me want to saw my own foot off.  Let’s look below for a definition.

  • Meme: an idea or element of social behavior passed on throughgenerations in a culture, esp by imitation

 There are tens of thousands on the great World Wide Web. Yet, I particularly hate this fucking meme:



As the origin of these memes,(from Tumblr, go figure!) this picture was aimed at girls who took revealing pictures of their mammary glands and posted it online. I’m not a cleavage guy      😐        but I would rather stare at cleavage than have to take another look at this little 8 year old bitch who wants to prove to the world that she is somehow above “cleavage picture” whores. Now I could easily create an endless list of things that truly piss me off with this specific meme; chief among them: the amount of time she probably took to get all dolled up (I’LL GUESS A FUCKING HOUR, MINIMALLY) for a series of webcam shots, the amount of cam shots she probably took to take just the right picture of herself four times (I’ll guess 42, but prove me wrong, cunt), the fact that she was able to make herself look like a moronic deep-dish dumb fuck four times with her moronic facial expressions…….I’ll stop. This is just making my blood pressure rise. Fucking bitch.

But most of all, I hate what this one fucking meme has created on the internet.  It created a chain reaction of more deep-dish dumb fucks taking pictures of themselves in truly attempting to one-up this idiot. For example, here’s another bitch that wanted to respond to the above meme, and (by the looks of her) wanted to look and sound like even more of a fucking imbecile:



Good use of “guise,” dickhead.

Next, we have this sudden fucking social activist that is just so triumphant in surely everything she does, including the way she wears her hat and sleeps in a bunk bed:


Then, there’s the meme that makes me pretty volatile. These children (yes, children, who probably just “graduated” from fourth grade at celebrated at Olive Garden) attempt to explain to us where every fucking penis belongs.  EVERY. FUCKING PENIS.:Image

By the children’s third photo, I would have guessed they were demonstrating the structure of a uterus and two ovaries with their child hands. But I know nothing. In regards to the guy’s response: I like it. I’ll allow it. But put a fucking shirt on.  People give zero fucks about your collar bones. 

Lastly, the only meme of this type that I actually like:






a good ol’ brian’s home media review

I heard this was game-changing. I heard the end had a “twist.” I heard bullshit.  Love Rachel McAdams. Love. She can’t steer me wrong…giggity.  But Jesus Christ, Channing Tatum: I don’t care about how nice of a body you have.  If you can’t act, you can’t act.  He will always look to me as if he has Down syndrome (no disrespect to those who have it!).  He’s just hard to handle if he’s not in some brainless action movie.  Their onscreen chemistry came across as friends, not lovers, let alone a married couple.  The amnesia characteristic made this movie somewhat intriguing for just another romantic drama, but overall it made some scenes hard to believe an amnesiac would do or say, such as not believing her husband is her husband after he’s insisting.  Photos and marriage certificates must not have existed in 2011.  The final quarter of the movie decides to turn into some intense “oh no he di-int” Jerry Springer nonsense from left field (BASEBALL REFERENCE: CHECK).  It’s great that this movie was based on true events, but make it into some trendy middle-aged housewife sex-crazed fantasy novel instead of a film.

Snow white & the hunstman


I’ll be brief here.  This movie made for a great move trailer.  It stops there.  It’s empty, like my bowels (currently).  Its 127 minutes feels like the preview being shown approximately 58 times.  I know I’m automatically biased because of my dislike towards Kristen Stewart’s acting talking in a movie being Kristen Stewart and getting paid to do so, but I remained optimistic in that it had the same producers as Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. Optimism fail!  It followed the exact plot formula as Alice in Wonderland.  And I was even thinking Kristen was truly doing some impressive acting for the first half of the movie, when I realized she never even talked that whole time; she simply ran.  Her interaction with co-star Chris Hemsworth (I like that you’re only 2 years older than me but appear to be my father) was simply awkward.  The special effects were hit and miss. Sometimes I enjoyed them (‘sup, mirror on the wall); sometimes I was dry downstairs.  The one thing I truly enjoyed was Charlize Theron’s performance as Ravenna.  Perfection!  The comic relief wasn’t comic relief for me, and I have nothing against midgets.  Maybe the sequel will impress me.

a good ole brian home media review: the devil inside

There’s more exorcism movies out there than there are Apple’s reinventions  Gosselin children  moronic blogs  80s movie remakes…..I’m not sure where to go with this. I’ll keep this short then. Sadly, if you own a tv/internet, you know what scares to expect courtesy of the eye-rape bombardment of previews that came out for this movie about a month before it came to theaters this past January. So, 90% of the scares were anticipated and not fun for me. I did like a touch of originality that The Devil Inside showcased with its “transference” wizardry.  But, director William Brent Bell, let the fact that the movie made over 60% of its entire gross in its first 3 days of opening, the fact that sales plummeted 76% in its second week, and the fact that Metacritic rated it 12/100 be a warning to you, sir: don’t ever fucking end a movie like that again.  The Sopranos had a more pleasant ending. Dipshit.

The movie was pretty cool, though. Suzan Crowley did an eerily impressive job as the mother.




I’m biased because I read the first book, dragged myself through the second, and am trying to finish the third before I finish myself off.  So the good first.  The movie itself was nicely styled, putting great detail into the Capitol and the rich folk that inhabit the area.  And I will admit the did the book justice for the most part, adhering to a comfortable 85% of the book. Also, there was some great acting by Katniss’ Jennifer Lawrence (who definitely just gave herself a name if she didn’t so before with Mystique in X-Men: First Class).  Gary Ross (Seabiscuit, Pleasantville…really?) had some smooth moves in directing this little number.  The action was not too often, and when it was, it wasn’t pompous like a blockbuster would be.

This segways to the not-so-good.  The shaky-camera does not work for me unless it’s Blair Witch Project.  Maybe I’m getting old, but I was seldom able to see what the fuck was going on in the intense scenes because the cameraman was having a seizure.  Most importantly, people who watch The Hunger Games who did not read the book will be baffled by the characters and their relationships.  The book itself used a shovel to dig into the dynamics between characters, whereas the movie was more concerned with making it look like Katniss was prettier without makeup while wearing makeup.  Case in point: Katniss and Rue (in the movie) meant nothing to me. NOTHING! Good movie though.