a good ol’ Brian home media review: Apollo 18

Blair Witch Project? In space? What can be bad about this?” I thought this to myself upon standing in front of a local RedBox, naked. The lackluster trailer and fact that this movie made shit at the box office should have tipped me off.  As the credits rolled as they were just prefaced about how it was actual footage, I felt like I only watched the first 3/4ths of the movie.  Yes, there’s a decent amount of silent suspense peppered with foolish in-your-face scares (waking up from sleeping, a camera shaking, a rock moving, I wish I was exaggerating).   As a professional film director, I felt there were endless possibilities with various scenes in this movie to make it actually suspenseful and/or scary.  Scenario: in a cave with a flash bulb that puts out light every few seconds, make an alien attack an astronaut! Of course that doesn’t happen; instead there is pracitally a bed and breakfast scene with the aliens. Ultimately, Apollo 18 falls short on actual scares, actual alien encounters, and an actual ending (the DVD/Blu-Ray offers four, yes, four alternate endings and about 20 deleted/alternate scenes).  This should tell you something about the movie: save your $1.64 Check out Wendy’s new breakfast menu!

A quick minute-by-minute guide:

**MINOR SPOILERS UP AHEAD**

1-10 mins: lots of talking and debriefing and a noise

10-30: unnecessary shaky camera footage; the aliens commit theft

30-60: hermit crabs as pets in Floridian gift shops and a zombie astronaut

60-86: heavy breathing, thoughts of feeling underwhelmed, and concern for movie’s lack of a big alien finish

Battleship: the movie. But why?

I know. Just calm down and breathe. Watch the trailer.

In seeing this you would think, “Oh Carrie Underwood-Fisher! Brian’s going to be obsessed.” And you’ll probably be right. CGI out of the ass: yes. Aliens involved: ho yah! So why would Brian be upset after watching the trailer.  11 words, colleagues. IT LOOKS LIKE ARMAGEDDON AND TRANSFORMERS JUST HAD SEX ON SCREEN! I recall the boring-as-fuck beloved boardgame.  You say numbers and letters out loud, you jump pegs around. FUN!  But to turn it into Transformageddon 5: Rise of the Loading Dock…. it’s just low, director Peter Berg (sidebar: thanks for Hancock. I’ve never wanted to walk out of a movie before in the privacy of my own bedroom).  Regardless of how unoriginal this movie seems, I look forward to being first in line next year to see it.

entertainment rampage

First things first, hookers: my “couple of the decade” separated, and I’m pissed.  Tea Leoni and David Duchovny? After 14 years? I always used y’all for the “famous couple together the longest” game. Now I’m fucked. Thanks for being selfish, Tea and Dave.

P.S. Tea, you were unforgettable in Deep Impact because, chief among reasons, it had a deep impact on me (gurl! oh no he di’n’t!)

 

Secondly, Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson are returning next year for American Idol.  And guess what: I’m pissed.  I’d rather no more American Idol at this point if they’re just going to keep judges on the show that either (A) have a seven-word vocabulary of a street thug trying to obtain cocaine or (B) talks more out of his ass than Oprah did (Thanks, Jesus, for letting me be able to use past tense when referring to her).

Lastly, I will never stop trying to get the rest of American to watch Big Brother (new season debuts on Thursday, July 7th at 8pm CST on CBS).  I will now unleash a cornucopia of great video footage from seasons past to whet your appetite.

Roid Rage

Birthday Showdown

Just watch up to 4:30

Reason #16 I’m obsessed with host Julie Chen

 

What a pleasant surprise.

I Am Number Four came out earlier this year to theaters and was just released last month on DVD, Blu-ray, digital copy combos, iTunes, and eighteen other transportable ways .  I recall glancing at (but not paying attention to) the previews and thinking, “Eh, it looks okay.  Now back to my model airplanes.”  Red-Boxed it last night, bitches, and I must say: not too shabby.   Sure, it has some iffy special effects and douche bag Michael Bay behind it as the producer.  BUT, director D.J. Caruso (thanks for Eagle Eye and Disturbia, to sir with love) obliges with a good time on the wings of teenage fun.  It’s actually entertaining for the most part.  In watching the movie, it becomes obvious this movie is based on a book (a series, no less: can’t wait for the next eight installments!) because of late character introductions and vague references to other vague things and stuff…. Anyway, it’s cool to watch–especially the last third of the movie.  It was also funny to watch the unbelievable fact that the two most attractive people in the movie are the two kids in school everybody shits on (rolls eyes).

 

Where has this been during all of my 17 years of living?

I ran into this show entitled Adventure Time a few weeks ago only to realize it’s been on tv for over a year. And for that, I hate myself.  A young boy and his shape-shifting dog get into crazy misadventures: done. Besides the fact that the material for this show is literally written by me, it is random funny like Family Guy at times with the eccentricities of Sponge Bob.  What other show allows you to hear one say “beep boop,” watch a horse take a shower, or witness a character admit to watching another sleep at night.  Besides Full House, the short answer, comrads, is none.  Spend 11 minutes of your day and watch an epi (that’s short for “episode”).

Super Gr8: see what I did there?


J.J. Abrams was involved in the discovery and inventing of many things, including (but not limited to) the wheel, gravity, toast, and–most recently– Super 8.  My goal in writing this post is not to spend an hour on talking about how great this movie truly is, how much it is appreciated by society today, how much it will impact the future of movies for the next several years, or how amazing J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg are together as a delicious after-school snack cohesive unit.  Rather, my intentions in this post are to discuss how you are stupid if you don’t like this movie.  You should be put to death without delay, if not by me (I’m a busy person with a busy lifestyle) then by an immediate family member.  I’m not sure what’s not to like about this movie.  Educate me.

Monsieur Abram’s passions are wonderfully displayed in Super 8.  He loved the late 70s/early 80s, and he especially loves Spielberg’s works from that time period.  So, it goes without saying that this movie resembles movies of the above time period (good morning, E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial and Rob Reiner’s  Stand by Me).  It envelopes the 80s feel-good times with innocence-of-youth wrapping paper and ties it with a bow of optimism.  To be clear: its similarities to the aforementioned movies are intentional.

 

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