a good ole brian home media review: paranormal activity 3

Briefly: first one was original, second was well-paced, third one was just plain smart.  I generally lose interest when a movie is into its third installment (Sorry, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Sorry, Transformers: Dark of the Moon.  Sorry, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked; although I will admit you were pretty crafty in changing the “s” in “shipwrecked” into a “c,” because, you know, chipmunks! I got it! LOL!!!!).  Back to Paranormal Activity 3.  It truly is smart to a degree. At this point in the movie’s career, the producers know what works.  Putting the camera on an oscillating fan to play “now you see it, now you don’t” newborn games with the audience works like a charm!  The anxiety-provoking silence this movie uses, too, really makes you poot.  And since this one is supposed to take place in the late 80s, my top hat goes off to the awesome 80s/early 90s house they use in the movie: perfecto!  Still, all things come with a catch/disease, and this one just comes with the former.

Paranormal Activity 3 is evident when trying to not be obvious when stretching the plot.  I mean, without giving anything important away, the movie starts by implying that the ghost stole home videos…sincerely?  And let’s not forget when the family hears a noise upstairs and instead investigates a lower floor…closet?  Just to give us a cheap thrill?  I’m offended.  In sum, PA3 has enough suspense to make you want sloppy seconds (or, here, fourths.!!!!!Paranormal Activity 4~LoOk oUt hAtAz 10//19/2012!!).  By the time the usual 45 minutes of blase occurs just as in the first two movies, you know what formula the producers are going to feed you (ZOMG!!1 how clever: here, I imply that we, the audience, are infants, open to whatever the producers want to feed us. Genius.) with the usual boring first 2/3rds of the movie followed by a lot of suspense and a zany ending.  Meh.

Advertisements

A good ole brian home media review: don’t be afraid of the dark

MV5BMTYwMDk4ODU0OV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMDY2NDE0Ng@@._V1_SX214_

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I had been peeing giddily a little to see Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark since the summer of 2011.  The trailer seemed promising.  I viewed it la film, and I’m stuck between liking it enough to buy it one day when it’s in a Wal-mart bin for $10 and disliking to where I might ask for it as a birthday gift (May 28).

Why Brian likey. It has some nice suspense built into it.  There are scenes when (if watching alone with no lights or adult supervision) you are kind of concerned for your well-being as well as that of the main character, little girl Sally. Which brings me to my next likey: little girl actress Bailee Madison.  Though she tends to act too old for her own good, she can currently milk Hollywood’s teets as a great child actress.  I may me biased because I enjoy watching children cry, but her cry-fest scenes are honestly remarkable and believable. Overall, the movie provides a great spooky-haunted-house atmosphere where, when watched in the appropriate setting, can appear kind of haunting.

Why Brian no likey. Maybe I just don’t care for Guillermo del Toro’s production skills (though I haven’t seen The Orphanage yet).  Still, I haven’t liked anything he’s directed (not even Pan’s Labyrinth: deal with it), so maybe he’s the issue. He seems to be a fan of showing the audience his “feature’s creature*” a lot, perhaps more than necessary. I’m a fan of movie’s showing little of the monster/creature throughout the whole movie (Cloverfield, fax me). And Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark did a swell job of that up until about 40 minutes in. After that, I can practically draw the creatures from memory because they are in every inch of the rest of the movie. Hell, I even became attached to them because they start to become more cute and crafty towards the end of the movie.  In closing: what the f with the R rating: I’ve seen more blood in a European Tampax commercial.

To summarize: what the movie has in chilling atmosphere and good acting from little girl Sally lacks in scares and a plot that is not by the numbers (I am not even sure what that means).

*not his penis

a good ol’ Brian home media review: Apollo 18

Blair Witch Project? In space? What can be bad about this?” I thought this to myself upon standing in front of a local RedBox, naked. The lackluster trailer and fact that this movie made shit at the box office should have tipped me off.  As the credits rolled as they were just prefaced about how it was actual footage, I felt like I only watched the first 3/4ths of the movie.  Yes, there’s a decent amount of silent suspense peppered with foolish in-your-face scares (waking up from sleeping, a camera shaking, a rock moving, I wish I was exaggerating).   As a professional film director, I felt there were endless possibilities with various scenes in this movie to make it actually suspenseful and/or scary.  Scenario: in a cave with a flash bulb that puts out light every few seconds, make an alien attack an astronaut! Of course that doesn’t happen; instead there is pracitally a bed and breakfast scene with the aliens. Ultimately, Apollo 18 falls short on actual scares, actual alien encounters, and an actual ending (the DVD/Blu-Ray offers four, yes, four alternate endings and about 20 deleted/alternate scenes).  This should tell you something about the movie: save your $1.64 Check out Wendy’s new breakfast menu!

A quick minute-by-minute guide:

**MINOR SPOILERS UP AHEAD**

1-10 mins: lots of talking and debriefing and a noise

10-30: unnecessary shaky camera footage; the aliens commit theft

30-60: hermit crabs as pets in Floridian gift shops and a zombie astronaut

60-86: heavy breathing, thoughts of feeling underwhelmed, and concern for movie’s lack of a big alien finish

Battleship: the movie. But why?

I know. Just calm down and breathe. Watch the trailer.

In seeing this you would think, “Oh Carrie Underwood-Fisher! Brian’s going to be obsessed.” And you’ll probably be right. CGI out of the ass: yes. Aliens involved: ho yah! So why would Brian be upset after watching the trailer.  11 words, colleagues. IT LOOKS LIKE ARMAGEDDON AND TRANSFORMERS JUST HAD SEX ON SCREEN! I recall the boring-as-fuck beloved boardgame.  You say numbers and letters out loud, you jump pegs around. FUN!  But to turn it into Transformageddon 5: Rise of the Loading Dock…. it’s just low, director Peter Berg (sidebar: thanks for Hancock. I’ve never wanted to walk out of a movie before in the privacy of my own bedroom).  Regardless of how unoriginal this movie seems, I look forward to being first in line next year to see it.

entertainment rampage

First things first, hookers: my “couple of the decade” separated, and I’m pissed.  Tea Leoni and David Duchovny? After 14 years? I always used y’all for the “famous couple together the longest” game. Now I’m fucked. Thanks for being selfish, Tea and Dave.

P.S. Tea, you were unforgettable in Deep Impact because, chief among reasons, it had a deep impact on me (gurl! oh no he di’n’t!)

 

Secondly, Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson are returning next year for American Idol.  And guess what: I’m pissed.  I’d rather no more American Idol at this point if they’re just going to keep judges on the show that either (A) have a seven-word vocabulary of a street thug trying to obtain cocaine or (B) talks more out of his ass than Oprah did (Thanks, Jesus, for letting me be able to use past tense when referring to her).

Lastly, I will never stop trying to get the rest of American to watch Big Brother (new season debuts on Thursday, July 7th at 8pm CST on CBS).  I will now unleash a cornucopia of great video footage from seasons past to whet your appetite.

Roid Rage

Birthday Showdown

Just watch up to 4:30

Reason #16 I’m obsessed with host Julie Chen

 

What a pleasant surprise.

I Am Number Four came out earlier this year to theaters and was just released last month on DVD, Blu-ray, digital copy combos, iTunes, and eighteen other transportable ways .  I recall glancing at (but not paying attention to) the previews and thinking, “Eh, it looks okay.  Now back to my model airplanes.”  Red-Boxed it last night, bitches, and I must say: not too shabby.   Sure, it has some iffy special effects and douche bag Michael Bay behind it as the producer.  BUT, director D.J. Caruso (thanks for Eagle Eye and Disturbia, to sir with love) obliges with a good time on the wings of teenage fun.  It’s actually entertaining for the most part.  In watching the movie, it becomes obvious this movie is based on a book (a series, no less: can’t wait for the next eight installments!) because of late character introductions and vague references to other vague things and stuff…. Anyway, it’s cool to watch–especially the last third of the movie.  It was also funny to watch the unbelievable fact that the two most attractive people in the movie are the two kids in school everybody shits on (rolls eyes).

 

Where has this been during all of my 17 years of living?

I ran into this show entitled Adventure Time a few weeks ago only to realize it’s been on tv for over a year. And for that, I hate myself.  A young boy and his shape-shifting dog get into crazy misadventures: done. Besides the fact that the material for this show is literally written by me, it is random funny like Family Guy at times with the eccentricities of Sponge Bob.  What other show allows you to hear one say “beep boop,” watch a horse take a shower, or witness a character admit to watching another sleep at night.  Besides Full House, the short answer, comrads, is none.  Spend 11 minutes of your day and watch an epi (that’s short for “episode”).