“The ugly visual effects are outdone only by the sound design, which is relentlessly loud and thunderingly tedious.”- The Observer (UK), Simran Hans (aka a genuine idiot who also complained that the toys in Toy Story 4 aren’t real enough.”

I sat on this and thought long and hard (take that how you must). I walked out of the theater and felt let down. I thought that the characters were not the most likable and that the action scenes were kind of hidden from us. But I also need to remember the magic that Michael Dougherty has given us in years’ past- his direction behind Trick ‘r Treat and Krampus previously showcased truly unlikable characters and unique scenes where it seems like the camera gets pulled away too soon. Thus, my opinion has changed more optimistically in this movie’s defense.

First, the fact that we live in a country saying that this movie bombed is pitiful. In a post-Endgame world, critics and box office analysts are quick to point out when a sequel doesn’t pair up with previous movies (We’re already having to hear how Toy Story 4‘s $120 million opening didn’t meet box office estimates -even though it’s the biggest Toy Story opening and biggest G-rated movie opening of all time). Godzilla: King of the Monsters is the 8th highest grossing movie worldwide this year as of date, you sons of bitches. This sequel received a 48 Metascore and a 40% on Rotten Tomatoes (even though audiences are giving it 80% on Rotten Tomatoes). People generally go to Marvel movies to watch people with powers fight bad guys and develop an emotional connection to him/her/it. People generally go to Godzilla movies to watch nonexistent monsters beat the fuck out of each other and buildings. Learn the difference.

That being said, Godzilla: King of the Monsters delivers everything a summer blockbuster movie was meant to. Characters we don’t care about and hope will die? Check! It’s a pity, too, because the casting here was pretty remarkable with Vera “Get It, Girl” Farmiga, Kyle “Zaddy” Chandler, Ziyi “Crouching Tiger” Zhang, and even Millie “You’re Still a Kid You Annoying Ass” Bobby Brown. Yes, the characters seem to be annoying with their personal bullshit going on (divorce, missing child, save the world movements, blah blah blahhh); they seem to be more of a hindrance when trying to watch Godzilla fuck up Rodan.

The “society is a terror to the environment” mantra is a bit preachy (but in sync with traditional Godzilla movies, so I get it) seems to confuse the plot more than necessary. However, for a critic to call the visuals in this movie “ugly” makes me weep for him or her- whatever a “Simran” is. The special effects are a complete spectacle to behold. Each monster seems to get bigger and badder than the last, and it makes for some awesome popcorn fun. The camera seems to leave the true fight scenes too early at times- returning to the human characters that are hard to care about when we want to witness Godzilla strangle one of Ghidorah’s necks. Sure, this movie is fucking loud. You’re going to witness creatures that way tens of tons crashing into skyscrapers. If you want something a bit more quiet, go back to the library, you freak.

C+